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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Dreamt of you...

I think I'm ready to share my flashes of dream about Charmaine.

Before I continue, I've to say that my tear ducts have been malfunctioning till now since Charmaine's cremation on the Sunday of 23rd October.

I simply have no more tears in me, not even tears from yawning.

I simply have no more tears in me, not even when I listen or read about sad news.

I simply have no more tears in me, not even tears to lubricate my eyes when my contact lens got stuck one night. My whole eye was red but stil, there was nary a drop of tear.

I'm one with such active tear ducts that my tears would streak down my face even from yawning. I cry when I watch sad movies. I sob when I read or listen to sad stories. I tear very easily even when I don't feel sad at all which I hated coz I hated my tearing to be associated with weakness until I realise and come to embrace the fact that strong people cry too.

It's only human to cry.

I felt a little abnormal when I had no more tears in me the next day. For a period of time, I tried looking and relooking at the tons of photos we have taken throughout the years. I rewatched all our crazy videos from when Jase and Charmaine were just toddlers to pre cancer days and after. I read coz Cyn has never ever failed to move me to tears with all her emotive words.

I felt like an android devoid of human feelings when I attempted to rediscover my lost emotions.

I've not told anyone snippets of the dream except to Cyn mommy coz I wanted her to be the first one to hear of it, not caring whether she would cry from it or not. Anyway, she has been laughing and crying every other day which is pretty normal. I thought that by relating to her the dream face to face, my floodgates would open. It didn't.

On to the dream.

I don't exactly know where we were in the dream, probably in Cyn's house. Putting myself in dreamscape, I knew it was cyn's house but I don't have any recollection of the setting at all.

Somehow in the dream, we all know that Charmaine had passed away but she was still around at times. When I reached their place, Cyn told me charchar was still around and so I asked her where.

"You will be able to see her if you use your heart to feel," cyn answered.

I felt my emotions stirring and as if magic dust was sprinkled into my eyes, there char was sitting on the sofa with her cheeky little grin and waving to me.



I was delirious to be able to see char in her cheeky self, healthy and all.

"You have to keep using your heart and everything would be real," Cyn reminded.

I kept my feelings there and went over to hug charchar.

I could feel her in my arms. I felt her physical body. I felt her warmth. Then, everything seemed to gravitate away from me.

I woke up and stared a while in the dark room, making out the silhoutte of the things in my room. The hubby wasn't around and I was all alone on the bed, feeling so lost and lonely. I think I felt a little tear drop on the outer corner of my right eye; just a tiny little drop before I drifted off to sleep.

I didn't remember my dream immediately; but when I awoke, I knew I dreamt of her. There were hazy images but after a week, I was finally able to put them all together now.

I'm expecting myself to cry when I get all of these out in words.

I don't feel the tears coming and I don't like it.

I do feel the detachment and the distance and I don't like it.

Despite all these, it doesn't change the fact that I still love you, charchar. I prefer to think of it as you sprinkling some magic dust on me and healing my rather active tear ducts, giving me the strength not to cry at every little thing anymore.

Thank you Charmaine for doing so.

Godma Jolene will always love you.


  1. Awww Jo.. :( Hugs.

    It takes a while to heal the wounds of losing a love one and even when it heals the scar will always remind us of the pain. :( It does not get better but we learn to accept things as they are. Be strong dear.

    You know when my brother died, the priest told us that our departed love ones always stay and watch over us although we no longer feel their physical presence. So when I miss my brother I still talk to him. (Provided, no one sees me or else they think I've lost my marbles or something.) Talking to them helps too I think.

  2. Yes I remember when you wrote about her earlier and was so touched and sad and I remember checking her blog too. These words were so touching. It is not that we forget the passed away. We will always have a place in our heart for the loved ones. Take care.

  3. sugar sugar,
    Thank you so much for your comforting words. Yes, you understand this feeling coz of your brother. I remember it was only quite recently that your brother passed away. Do you slowly feel like he's detached? I feel so. It feels like so long time ago that Char was around. I talk to her too. I find myself talking a lot to her and I'm increasingly talking a lot more to myself too coz I'm always alone (hubby not in Singapore now). Just 3 days ago, I went to visit her at the temple where her urn was placed and just started talking to her as per normal.

    I hope you're also slowly getting over your brother's passing.


    Thank you so much. Yes, we would always have a place in our heart for them even though they're no longer around.

  4. Post-trauma numbness is normal. It helps us cope. Please don't be upset by it, it will pass. Char is with you--and she is healthy and happy and she knows you love her, today and always.

    Since KH is not around, share your feelings with your friends. They want to know what you're going through and help you through it. That's part of being a friend. You prefer to give, to be strong, to be the one who is helping others. Let them help you too. They love you.

    My mom smoked. Every once in a while I can smell stale cigarette smoke in my house and I know she is visiting. When she passed away, I invited her to visit me--but on the condition she never freak me out. So all I get is the smell of stale smoke. =)

  5. Charchar is always, and will always be loved. She knows that. Stay strong my dear.

  6. Sometimes we do get to a point where we can't cry anymore. It's not abnormal or inhuman, and it definitely doesn't mean that you are failing in mourning her properly. It's just your emotions were so deep and real that they've taken a physical toll on your body. The tears will come back again eventually, after your body has had time to heal, and hopefully your heart will have had some more time to heal, as well. The dream you had seems so lovely because you were able to re-live her love, and I'm sure it's not the last dream you'll have of her. Not to mention the memories you'll always be able to cherish. <3

  7. I'm sorry I ddn't say this before but I am really sorry for your loss. She was an amazing child and she fought really hard.

    in 2010 both of grandfather (paternal and maternal) both passed away - I had never experienced someone passing before then and I know how hard it cane. I can't imagine mourning the loss of a young child though. You should take as much time as you need. Your family and friends are there for you :)

    Really hope you feel better soon.

  8. it's the hardest thing to have to let a child go. im so sorry for your loss, Jo. I can't possibly imagine how hard it is for you to cope w such a loss. Thank you so much for sharing this on your blog. xx

  9. Char Char is making magic to stop u from crying... with her magic wand, n her magic dust... coz Char Char loves to see u smile...
    I am pretty sure :)

  10. It's a great healer to share your feelings about such a sad time. It helps to put them in perspective and find some peace if at all with it and I'm honoured that you shared it with us too. I pray that you continue to find happiness and loved memories to keep you lifted as you continue healing. She's so pretty!! xx

  11. Rick,
    Your words make me smile. Thank you so much for your reassuring words! =)

    Don't worry about me. I do share my feelings with my frenz too. It's just that I wanted to share the dream with Cyn mommy first.

    I like that you share about your mum and the lingering smoke she left behind. I do believe that they're watching over us and would drop by for a visit whenever they can.




    It was a really lovely dream but I had hazy flashes of it. Only now do I remember the full story and the rough dialogue that happened in the dream. Thank you so much for your reassuring words really made me smile.


    Nic Nic,
    Thank you so much for your kind words. And I like how you always go missing and come back to leave so many comments at once.


    Thank you so much for your kind words. Oh and I just saw that you're my newest follower. Thank you for following.


    I think you're quite right. She loves to see me smile. I hope she dust some on cyn too coz cyn cries every day amidst laughter. But it's ok coz cyn always tells char char that mommy cries coz she needs to feel better and after that she would be ok.


    The Dainty Doll's House,
    Yes, she is pretty indeed. Thank you for your kind words.


    Miss Kwong,
    Thank you.

  12. The pain of losing and missing someone is unbearable. You and Charmarine's family do the best you all can do. I experienced a few losses in my life during school years (highschool and college) when my paternal grandparents and aunt passed away relatively. Only time will heal and ease the heartache. You know your dream was a way Charmarine wanted you to know she is happy in a new place.

  13. Nelah,
    Yes, I think the dream was really really significant. I think she's also trying to say that she's around us all the time. =)


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