R.I.P Miyo

My sweet little cat Miyo left us suddenly yesterday due to suspected heart attack at a young tender age of 2 years 4 months old.

She’s still a kitten in Ragamuffin years, my sweet little baby cat. I’m too distraught to accept the fact that she’s no longer around. I love Miyo too much to just go on with life normally. I really don’t know how. The last time I cried so much and continued crying for days and weeks, and could not really function well was when our family cat Simba passed away 11 years ago. I love Simba a lot as a family cat and I love Miyo at a totally different level coz she’s MY cat and it’s too sudden.

Miyo is not just a pet. Miyo is not just a cat. Miyo is FAMILY. I always jokingly rank her #2 in my life, after Baby Ash and above the hubz. She is very much a huge part of our lives and my most loyal companion ever since we moved into our own home. She has always been so sweet and affectionate. When Baby Ash arrived, Miyo showed love to Baby Ash like a big sister despite having Baby Ash taken away so much time and attention from her.

This month, Facebook Memories has been surfacing lots of posts of Miyo when she was a kitten 2 years ago coz that was when we moved in and brought her into our lives. I was documenting her little adventures a lot as an affectionate and playful kitten. She was my best companion, always keeping me company through days alone at home and bringing so much joy to both the hubz and me. There weren’t many memories of her 1 year ago coz that was when I was very sick with HG and couldn’t take care of her well. I was sad but then I thought it’s alright coz we could make more memories of Miyo and Baby Ash as they grow up together over the years. I never expected that this could never happen anymore.

It’s too sudden. It’s just too sudden. I keep blaming myself, wondering if I could have prevented her death even if it was an unexpected heart attack. She hadn’t been successfully coughing or vomiting out the hair ball deep inside for months. She hadn’t been eating well the last few weeks. She wasn’t enticed by food anymore. She was significantly thinner but otherwise still behaved normally. The only abnormal act was that she started licking the corner of the toilet under the sink quite a lot when there weren’t any insects or anything. We don’t wash our toilets with chemical products so I don’t think that contributed to anything. Other than the above, she was normal and healthy. She would still engage in play. She still followed me wherever I went and would lie down near wherever I was.

During her booster jab visit, I told the vet about her recent changes and he assured me that her weight increased from the last visit and that if she was still behaving normally, it was fine but to monitor her.

She was quite lethargic after the booster jab which coincided with the days that Baby Ash and I were sick but I was too sick to really look after her that well. She became better the last 2 days and ate more, though still less than her usual.

I just bought a whole carton of can food and even bought more expensive separate ones to entice her to eat when her appetite became poor for the last few weeks. I bought more hairball treats when she refused to take the Laxagel from the vet.

I kept blaming myself, wondering if she had choked on her hairball and collapsed during her grooming session. I should not have proceeded with grooming with all her recent signs but I thought that shaving her fur would prevent future hairball problem.

I kept blaming myself for I imagine that the last few moments of her life must have been very traumatizing since she dislikes grooming like most cats. I really should not have proceeded with the session with all her signs. It’s all my fault and I wished I could turn back the time to make the decision to groom her at a later date. It’s all my fault!!!

We used this team of 2 groomer’s service 3 times and I prefer to believe that they have handled her as professionally as they should have. I was shell shocked when they told me she collapsed and stopped breathing.

As we carried her and drove to the vet clinic, we suspected that she had gone but I still clung on to an invisible wisp of hope that the vet would be able to jump start her little heart again. Her pink nose turned pale, her body became limp and lifeless but still, I tried pumping her little heart. She was still very warm and so very young...

When they told me she was indeed gone, I just couldn’t take it and begged them to jump start her heart. We aren’t sure what actually caused her death but the vet said that sudden deaths in cats are usually due to heart attack. The vet, my family, kh consoled me that I could not have prevented her heart attack. I don’t know... my heart is so painful. The wrenching feeling is terrible. My head is gonna burst from all the crying.

I don’t know how long I would take to heal. I feel so guilty towards Miyo. Had she lived her life happily before she passed on? I tried thinking of all the good things I did for her amidst the neglect since Baby Ash’s arrival. I felt very guilty towards Miyo so I’ve been pampering her in different ways. We used to not allow her in our room but I’ve been letting her into our room. I allowed her to continue sleeping under the toilet sink just so that she could be near us while we slept, leaving the doors ajar for her to eat and use the litter box. I stopped scolding and beating her for pooping on the floor or being on forbidden areas. I fed her full can food meals and no dry food so as to entice her to eat. I picked her up to hug her a lot more recently when she showed signs of being sick. I asked kh to sayang her more the night before. But are all these enough?

Sometimes I wonder if she loves me more than I love her. She’s not your stereotypical aloof selfish cat. She just kneaded me and licked my face 2 nights ago. I’m very glad that I sat down and spent time with her that night. She is so sweet and understanding. Despite the neglect, she seems to understand that Baby Ash is an important family member and appeared protective over her like a big sister. I don’t know why such a sweet cat had to go off so early. She’s still a baby herself.

Every part of the home reminds me of her. I wish I could see the slightly ajar door opening wider from her pushing and trying to get into the room. I wish I could see her playful paws coming out from under the door. I wish I could hear her scratching the door frame, the corner of our bed and anywhere she always scratches. I wish I could look down to see her tail tail-ing me. I wish I could continue to see her lazing at all her favorite spots.

I cleared her unfinished can food and washed her food and water dish the first thing I got home. The rest of her stuff are left intact. I don’t even know if I should vacuum the last remnants of her fluttery fur that had gathered in their usual tumbleweed fashion. The impending balcony ziptrack installation was partly for Miyo too. There are too many memories of her every where.

I’m reading your texts but not replying. My floodgates had already opened thrice with phone calls from both sisters and my mum. I simply do not know what to say. I am so tired but I can’t sleep well at all. Memories of Miyo would flash through my mind and I would start bawling my eyes out.

My family reminded me that we have given Miyo the best life she could have and she has touched many people’s hearts. She has even changed non cat lovers’ minds about cats. She brought so much joy to those who follow her adventures and met her. I’m very thankful to everyone who recently visited my home for Baby Ash and continued to show attention to Miyo too. Miyo is my furkid and just as important as Ash.

I know I have to move on but I’m too distraught. I need more time to grieve.

Original post in my Facebook page here.
Post on @iamjolene.
Post on @miyo_kitty.