Monday, 15th October 2007When will the tears stop flowing? Each time Simba’s name was mentioned, tears streamed down my face.
Whenever I got tired of doing my stuff, I would tend to look out for her to sayang or play with her but she’s no longer around and it felt so weird. Never will I be able to see her catwalk out from the rooms. Never will I be able to feel her brush against my legs. Never will I be able to see her sleeping soundly at all her haunts. Never will I be able to kiss her cute sleeping face. Never will I be able to creep up to her and rub her tummy...
I miss her.
Tuesday, 16th October 2007Woke up teary-eyed and thought that it was all a bad dream. Reality hit me and I know I have to go on. Still on mc but went back to work. Got tonnes to do.
Over at work, my voice still quiver when Simba was mentioned. I forced myself not to cry in public. It was difficult but I did it!
Later at night, Kh and I went to collect Simba’s ashes. The little urn is so small and cute. Just like a little Chinese teapot.
When I held the urn in my palms, it felt so warm. It felt as if she was still around.
Over at kh’s place, his mum was very amused by the urn. She was smiling and asking how and where they did it. She never knew there was such a service for pets cremation and asked me if I had any inkling that they do it at Mandai crematorium. I thought his mum was kinda cute. She used to have an aversion to cats but kh’s bro brought one home and she is slowly getting used to it, just like how my mum was back then.
When kh sent me to the door, he looked at the little urn and said, “Bye bye baba.”
My da jie and mum pat pat the urn with tears brimming in their eyes. Mum kept going, “Simba guai1… Simba guai1…”
We started discussing about how Simba was waiting to spend time with everyone before she passed away. She went into all our bedrooms equally when she normally wouldn’t do that. Kh didn’t see her since she came back from the vet and finally saw and sayang her on Sunday night. My er jie was in Tioman over the weekend and she waited for her to come back before passing away on Monday when coincidentally I was on wisdom tooth mc and my er jie was on evening shift. Needless to say, my mum would be at home in the morning and my dad would usually come home in the afternoon every Monday. My da jie just managed to spend some time with her in the morning before she went to work and also got my dad to hold her so she could force feed her medicine and food. Although my dad and da jie didn’t get to see her before she went away in the afternoon, at least they did spend some time with her and stroked her for the last time in the morning.
My mum said that Simba really knew how to choose the timing. I guess she really knew her time was up but was able to mask it very well. We almost thought she was getting on well at home and would be able to live past her death sentence.
The vet said that cats are really good at feigning healthy and would usually go to a place where nobody could find them before dying there. I think Simba was acting strong all along as she didn’t want us to be sad or see her go.
Now the little urn is sitting next to me on my table as I am typing this. She loved jumping onto my table whenever I was not around. I guess my sisters will each wanna put the urn at all her usual haunts every few days.
Wednesday, 17th October 2007I still wake up with tears in my eyes. I’m still doing things I normally do when Simba was still around. I continue closing the folding door. I still look out for her when I open the main door for fear of her dashing out. We used to chase after her, catch her and beat her butt butt when she ran out. How I wished she could dash out now.
Despite all these, I’m slowly beginning to cope with her not being around. Going out helped take my mind off all these. However, when I returned home and opened the main door, I was still bearing in mind to be careful for Simba may dash out any moment.
Thursday, 18th October 2007I managed to learn how to hold back my tears… at long last.
Friday, 19th October 2007The forum people have been so sweet… The cat lovers… The pet owners… They are always sharing stories and advices and it gave me a sense of support. Reading what they’ve said made me feel a lot better. There are so many cat lovers out there.
One of them shared about the story of Rainbow Bridge:
The Rainbow BridgeJust this side of heaven
is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies
that has been especially close to someone here,
that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills
for all of our special friends
so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine
and our friends are warm
and comfortable
All the animals who had been ill
and old
are restored to health and vigor;
those who were hurt or maimed
are made whole and
strong again,
just as we remember them in our dreams
of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content,
except for one small thing;
they each miss someone very special to them,
who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together,
but the day comes when one suddenly stops
and looks into the distance.
His bright eyes are intent; his eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group,
flying over the green grass,
his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted,
and when you and your special friend finally meet,
you cling together in joyous reunion,
never to be parted again.
The happy kisses
rain upon your face;
your hands again caress the beloved head,
and you look once more
into the trusting eyes of your pet,
so long gone from your life
but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together...
Now, I know Christians do not believe that animals have souls and that animals go to heaven. However, I would prefer to believe otherwise. My views are similar to
Moira Anderson Allen, who happens to be a Christian too.
Well, I would never know the answer until I leave this world. Maybe St Peter would greet me at the Pearly Gates with a hello, tell me that I’ve been wrong all along, chastise me for my stubbornness and lack of faith, before whisking me down to the Gates of Hell.
If Simba isn’t playing in the beautiful garden of God, I would very much like to believe that she is gamboling amongst the lush green meadow of Rainbow Bridge.
Is the beautiful garden of God and Rainbow Bridge two separate entities or are they really intertwined?
Hmm… I feel that things happen the way you believe it to happen. So believe in what you believe in.
While googling for Rainbow Bridge, I stumbled upon
this website that made my tears flow endlessly again.
I could almost feel Simba “talking”.
~~~
And God asked the feline spirit
"Are you ready to come home?"
"Oh, yes, quite so", replied the precious soul.
"And as a cat, You know I am most able
to decide anything for myself."
"Are you coming then?" asked God
"Soon", replied the whiskered angel.
"But I must come slowly
My human friends are troubled
For You see, they need me, quite certainly."
"But don't they understand?" asked God -
"that you'll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined, for all eternity,
That nothing is created or destroyed,
It just is . . . forever and ever and ever?"
"Eventually they will understand" replied the cat
"For I will whisper in their hearts - that I am always with them
I just am . . . forever and ever and ever."
~~~
To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from the Bridge, here I dwell with God above.
Here there's no more tears of sadness, here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.
It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on."
God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you ... in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years.
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb.
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too.
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to God at night ... "My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented ... that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along I made somebody smile. God says: "If you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low.
Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street with me on your mind.
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when it's time for you to go ... from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going ... you're coming here to me."
~~~
I stood beside your bed last night, I came to have a peek.
I could see that you were crying and you found it hard to sleep.
I "spoke" to you softly as you brushed away a tear ...
"It's me, I haven't left you. I'm well, I'm fine. I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast as you slowly sipped your tea.
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wished I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today. you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you that I'm not lying there.
I walked towards home beside you as you fumbled for your key.
I gently touched you with a paw and softly said "It's me."
You looked so very tired as you sank into a chair,
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you every day,
To say to you with certainty "I never went away."
As you sat there very quietly, you smiled and then you knew ...
In the stillness of the evening that I was very close to you.
The day is over and as I watch you yawning,
I say "Good night, God bless and I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll again stand side by side.
I have a lot to show you, so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.
~~~
Don't grieve for me; for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took his lead when I heard Him call,
I turned back and then left it all,
I could not stay another day,
To purr, to love, to work, or play,
Events uncompleted must stay that way,
I'm found at peace at the close of the day.
If my parting left a void,
then fill it with remembered joy,
A friendship shared, a purr, a kiss,
Oh yes, these things I, too, will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savoured much:
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief,
Lift up your heart and share with me;
God wanted me now, he set me free.
Saturday, 20th October 2007My sisters and I have been placing "Simba" at different positions everyday… under my bed, on my table, by er jie’s fan base, on er jie’s bed, under the coffee table, by the wall between master bedroom and da jie’s room…
We will always ask one another, “Guess where is Simba today?”
We didn’t place it in mum and dad’s room. They are getting very superstitious about what misfortune the ashes could bring.
*shrugs* I wonder why they believe in such things.
Sunday, 21st October 2007I've received lots of very touching smses from all the lovely friends and people who like Simba or saw her in real life before. I only managed to save this one from zanne:
hey gal, sorry this is like 1 week late.. I just heard abt simba.. Hmmm.. Dunno how to say to console or say anything intelligent at this point in time.. Well, she is 1 of e 1st cat tt help me to slowly overcome my phobia of animals and i'll def. miss her.Monday, 22nd October 2007It has been a week since Simba’s death. In between, mum has become extremely paranoid about keeping Simba’s ashes in the house.
My sisters and I kept brushing all these paranoia and superstitions aside.
A few days ago, when my er jie’s hp bell tinkle, mum got a shock coz she thought it was Simba. I mean... how scary can Simba be? How I wished Simba could come back now!!!
Initially, my parents thought the little urn was cute but after a week of going out with different friends, they concluded that THE WHOLE WORLD says it's unlucky to keep ashes in the house!!!
All those people are like uncle-aunty kinda pattern and many are religious towards the Chinese belief. They said nobody keeps ashes in the house and many bad things may befall upon the family. What I feel is most of them are thinking in terms of human ashes. Of course nobody keeps human’s ashes in the house la! They did not consider that what we are keeping is a pet’s ash. I’ve asked some friends and all of them said they would keep their pet’s ashes too and find this whole thing very silly.
Unfortunately, my parents are taking it seriously.
Even my usually un-superstitious Dad was harping on the fact that keeping ashes in the house if very unlucky and gave a few examples of so and so said this and that.
I deem it as superstitious and I really wanna keep the cute little urn. Most importantly, I wanna keep cute little Simba.
Wednesday, 24th October 2007The final straw came today. My mum called me while I was at work (Ya it was my off day but I was at work) and said she was really very scared coz her friend told her some stories which happened at home. She was so frightened that she locked herself in the room and asked if I could come back early.
Usually I would be a little put off as my mum always “disturbs” me when I’m at work with very minute problems. But this time, she sounded frightened. Knowing that my mum is quite timid, I was very patient with her and even accompanied her on the phone for a long time but she just didn’t dare to come out from her room. I kept trying to put her mind off the fear and suggested things that she could do in her room.
She also asked my dad to come back earlier. I didn’t ask her what story her friend told her as I didn’t want to make her more scared.
Once I stepped into the house, my usually peace-loving and highly unsuperstitious dad brought up the issue of “getting rid” of the ashes. He said that the fear mum demonstrated today was too much and he had to do something. Whenever he talks to me in a serious and grave tone, I know he really means business. However I feel that he has been pressurised by my mum. My mum must have talk about this every night till he cannot take it.
I was annoyed. Annoyed at their narrow mindsets. Annoyed at how easily they believe other people. Annoyed at the severity and gravity they have made of such a small matter. Annoyed at my mum.
My mum, being a HIGHLY superstitious person especially when it comes to whether something hinders her from striking 4D, must have absorbed what THE WHOLE WORLD has been telling her everyday. With that, she had become “fearful” of the ash.
She used to like Simba so much. A few days after her death, she still keeps on talking about Simba and how cute and guai she was. Sometimes, she would pat the urn. Now she doesn’t even talk about Simba and doesn’t dare to look at the urn.
I really cannot understand why my mum is like that.
Every Wednesday, she would clear ALL dustbins at home. And when the 4D results come out and she didn’t strike yet again, she would scold us for not emptying the dustbin or for throwing rubbish inside when she has already emptied them.
That’s how superstitious (and may I very rudely say foolish) her thoughts are.
As far as she likes Simba, she often blames Simba when she doesn’t strike, which is like forever. She would say, “People always say keep cats in the house no good. Very unlucky. No wonder since Simba come into the house, I never strike at all.”
I really wonder who these PEOPLE are and back then, I really wished she would strike 4D so that Simba would be spared from all the blame.
There are soooooooooo many other examples of her being superstitious and they are all related to 4D.
That is why I’m very sure that the keeping of ashes in the house being unlucky is related to 4D as well.
Maybe I was too forthright to the extent of being rude but what I told my dad was straightforward.
I was also stubborn and adamant. When he told me to tell my er jie that we should get rid of the ashes soon, I insisted that he talk to her himself since it wasn’t my idea.
He got angry with me and said, “XX’s husband nearly died you know or not?”
I retorted, “So XX’s husband nearly died because of ashes?”
I was brushing it off as superstitious. He said that if something untoward happens to my family it would be too late. He even scolded me “stupid” and “never use brain” for a very small matter (unrelated to the ashes). HE SELDOM SCOLD ME ONE LOR.
If this issue could even make my dad become like that, I think my sisters and I had better do something. My dad doesn't wanna take any chances. Under the wraps, we all feel that he is pressurised.
I really wonder what stories my mum’s friend told her. She isn’t at home right now.
1 hour later…
It turned out that before my mum’s friend could tell her the story, my mum told her not to continue. So in actual fact, she didn’t listen to any story at all!!! Her friend merely wanted to tell her something which happened at home and my mum who was alone at home imagined the worse and told her to stop.
We all felt so “cheated” by her fear this afternoon.
SIGH…
I don’t want to cause any rift because of this “small issue” and I sure don’t wanna be blamed or blame myself anything untoward happens to my family.
My er jie is still adamant about keeping her ashes at home. I am beginning to try to ease my parents’ worries and trying to convince my er jie to do something too.
My da jie and I have come to the consensus that if my parents are really uncomfortable about this, we will find a nice wild spot to bury her little urn. We could plant something there too.
I should learn to detach myself from her physical remains but right now, it’s really hard to do so.
