2016 is a year of major ups, many major downs and many little bumps here and there. I have been meaning to write the last blog entry for 2016 here yet as I'm typing this, I still don't have a conceptual idea of what I am comfortable to share here.
A good friend told me she feels that blogging has always been a part of me and that I might feel better being bold enough to write out my feelings. She is one of the only two persons in my life who completely understands and empathizes with whatever downs I've been going through. Looking at the total number of posts written in 2016 as opposed to all the years past, I realized just how much I've been neglecting this space.
It also dawned on me that:
1. I've always been able to remember events of my life well because writing jolts my memory. I feel upset that I've not been able to document on this space the many events and travels that I hold dear memories to. And when I want to recall those events, I don't have anything to read and look back on.
2. I've learned to be thankful and appreciate all the good things that happen to me because I write them down and seal them on virtual space. I could always have something for me to read back on and smile.
3. I keep my sanity because I express myself here. Even if I don't share 100% of what I feel here, it helps a lot in decluttering my mind and cleansing my heart.
The 3 major ups of 2016 to be thankful for are that hubby and I finally moved into our new home, we have gotten a cat and I donated blood for the first time.
While my in-laws are great people to live with, I have always dreamed of having our own home. The room in my in-laws place was getting a little too cluttered. I feel pent up living in that space. Most of the items in the room are mine and I badly need a new space for me declutter my stuff. Hubby can totally vouch that ever since we moved to our new home, my OCD nature sky rocketed that it is quite abnormal for my usually creative and free-spirited self (also read as untidy) to be like this.
On my sweet little cat Miyo, OMG. I really don't know where to start. Anybody who follows me on Facebook and Instagram would know how Miyo is my everything now. She is the happiest thing that happened to me this year. The Hubz isn't a cat person at all so when he finally allowed me to get a cat in our new home, I was ecstatic. Miyo has also crawled her way into his heart and it is really sweet to see how much he loves her.
I also donated blood for the first time. It may seem like something small to frequent blood donors but it is a significant milestone for me as I've always been under the weight limit to donate blood. This year, I've not only reached the weight limit but was over it by a few kgs to actually donate the bigger pack too. That means I grew fat but I could save more life with those extra weight.
As for the major downs and many little bumps, we could say that it is a year of many many medical bills and a few hefty ones too. (Not gonna share everything here.) I also felt like whatever I embarked on doing would always be met with stumbling blocks.
I was on to a healthy lifestyle. I signed up for membership with a yoga studio and also started going to the office gym with colleagues more often. And then I injured my knee when I tore my ACL in a stupid accident. That really put me in an emo state for quite a while. Why did it have to happen just when I was in the highs of wanting and having a more active and healthy lifestyle?
For many periods in the year and last, I was also on certain medications which made me put on weight. Coupled with the lack of exercise, I grew the fattest I ever did in my life. I could not fit into many of my usual tailored work dresses and even burst the seams of 2 of them. I look significantly fatter than my usual in photos that friends who have not seen me for a while would ask if I'm expecting. Even relatives who did not see me for a long time asked me the same questions. They are just harmless words but deep down inside, my heart was bleeding even as I was smiling on the outside and making fat jokes and pregnancy jokes about myself.
I was feeling down in the dumps most of the times and I lost my usual mental capability while at it. It affected the way I functioned and even the way I interacted with people. I am just not that much the person I am. I'm not the good wife, I'm not the good friend. I'm not the good daughter. I'm not the good worker. I'm just not good. I am out of sorts. I lack initiative. I feel really lousy most of the times. I'm also easily upset by minor things and little actions by people.
For some periods of time this year whenever people talk about future events, I would be indifferent because in my mind I would be thinking that I would no longer be in this world.
It is a strange thought really. I don't know how to explain and no normal person would understand this. I don't think about dying. I'm not suicidal. I just feel like I would be dissipating slowly and no longer in existence so there is no part for me to play in future events.
"It's the hormones! It's not you. You are not like this." the same good friend I mentioned in this post assured me. I really wished I could blame everything on the hormones. But I know that I have to control my mind too. Coz you know, the mind is a powerful tool.
I read up a lot on the feelings and symptoms I've been experiencing and they all pointed to depression. Depression? ME???
Hey why not? If you read up on depression, you would discover just how easy it is to be diagnosed as depressed in this modern world.
I watched TED videos and read up on how to cope with depression. It also felt good to know that there are smiley people out there who are also battling depression. You wouldn't have known it if they hadn't shared about it. Being in connection with similar people really helped a lot. However there are times when things I practise would only work for a while and when they no longer work, I allow myself a period of wallowing before I pick myself up again and act normal again. Sometimes the masks keep piling up each time it is time to go onto the stage that I have to keep acting and smiling and entertaining for long periods until the curtains fall and then I peel off the many layers of masks and cry a river.
Just like now...
which kinda makes me feel better.
Friends, random people and little serendipity in life always help to rein me in a little too.
For 2017, I will:
Try very hard to keep my mind in check and let go of what I can't control.
Undergo deep healing of the mind, body and soul.
Cut myself some slack on the many expectations I put upon myself.
Practise yoga and exercise regularly.
Blog more often even if it means documenting events I hold dear to from a few years back just so that I have something to read back on and smile.
Count my blessings.
Fill my heart with love and positivism.
Release things that cause negative attachment.
Let go of poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present!
