Friday, October 14, 2011

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)


Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!

I got this off one of the Facebook shares which has been circulating wildly around the world and getting lots of thumbs up. I hope I don't lose my US blogger friends after this post. I don't think I will though, coz all my US blogger friends are such magnanimous people... right? Erm... right?

Being born and bred in a British colony, I really nodded in agreement at so many of the points brought up. I've got native American friends who don't get some of their own culture too and could laugh at themselves and I know my US blogger friends will let loose and take this lightly too.

US and non US bloggers alike, shout out your thoughts to me in the comments section. I would love to hear what you have to say.

14 comments:

  1. It's late, so I haven't been able to read the whole thing yet. What I've read is cute. But it starts with a faulty premise. The Crown can't revoke US independence because it did not give it to us. We took it. We didn't politely wait around (like Canada). We threw off the yoke of British imperialism--and we have MANY more guns now than we did then. LOL!

    I'll read the whole thing on Friday.

    Good night!!! =)

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  2. I'm neither British nor American, but still loved this text! (to those who didn't: please don't take yourself so seriously)

    Back in the day when I started blogging, the whole language issue was a bit of a problem for me. British English or U.S. English, it was a tough one.

    I opted for (my imperfect version of) British, for obvious reasons like being taught British English almost ten years ago, the "u" in "colour" (similar to the Dutch "u" in "kleur"), and the sexy British accent (had to be said).

    Anyhow, good one, Jo!

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  3. Hi Jo!

    I think I'd actually enjoy tea time :] It would be nice to take a break for the day!

    And yes! Friends from when I was...6 I believe! Sadly she's the only one...the next batch of friends are from when I was 10!

    -Christina
    a rainy melody

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  4. I find this to be very entertaining and funny. From where I live, people are not pleased with the way things are happening in this country in the prospect of politics or economy. I have no idea where this country is heading because it obviously has lost its superstar power/performance. As a foreign born resident, I feel that most people take their rights and freedom for granted in many ways in this country. Some abuse the system which creates such financial messes. Political and economical complaints can be heard in every corner around the world, the governments can never please every one of their citizens.

    To respond to your comment Jo, I totally agree with what your friend said. The point I was trying to make was that there are people who make a big deal out of "everything little" things and get stressed for things that they should not worry about (I am one of those sometimes). So it is important to prioritize our problems, sort them out to see if it is really that worth to fuss or cry. At the end we should look beyond ourselves and accept that there are more serious issues out there, people and helpless animals are suffering and struggling to survive from life threatening diseases, poverty and abuse. We should appreciate our blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Game day is up and almost everyone in America is tuning in to catch their favorite teams' matches. If you're green like me, then check out these useful tips on how to green your game day. I found this video tips on YouTube. http://youtu.be/bXCTr8b_FxA

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  6. Hi Jo,

    This post got me into fits of laughter! Nearly every single condition set my Her Majesty had me guffawing in laughter! Haha you know, if this was really enacted, we would be in trouble, cuz the Philippines is influenced heavily by the Americans, from our spelling to our pronunciation and our traffic scheme! We barely have roundabouts and OMG it would be a nightmare if I drove on the "wrong side of the road"! When I was in Australia, I could not get over calling gas as petrol. It was just too awkward for me lol And when they served me my "chips", in my head I went, "where's my ketchup?" Ketchup not catsup hahahah!

    Cheers,

    Wi
    A Single Girl's Musings

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  7. this is hilarious!!! LOL, Jo! being a brit.. I can't but to agree with some of those comments there LOL!! Thanks for sharing, it was nice having a bit of giggle on it!!

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  8. LOL! This post has truly made me laugh. I think US citizens will also get a good laugh out of it. I haven't gone through every number yet but the ones I've read are really funny.

    Thanks for sharing this dear! :D

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  9. HEHEHEHE I was laughing when I read this! Hollywood in limited doses, uhhh I don't think that is possible. Worldwide, people covet our tinseltown actors...it's just is a big part of American culture. And like Wii in her post above....fries :)

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  10. Hi Jo: I'm Canadian so can't really comment on a lot of the stuff mentioned but I will say that I agree with English actors playing English (British) parts in films- I can't stand it when I see american actresses (Gwenyth Paltrow, for example) attempt a british accent. It's embarassing! Thanks for the post!

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  11. LOL I got such a good laugh from this post Jo. Thank you so much for sharing this!

    And for the record, I am an American born citizen and I am in no way offended by this. On the contrary, I actually wholeheartedly agree with a lot of the points made. Most Americans really do have atrocious vocabulary and grammar, unfortunately. I don't keep up with politics, but making some changes to our government's structure sounds like a wonderful idea. Things seem to be running smoothly in the UK and they seem to be ahead of the US in many aspects, especially healthcare reform ever since they implemented a universal health care system - something that we are still very far from achieving here in the States. So to sum it all up, I'm all for the US going back under British rule!

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  12. Jo, I love it! I think adopting some of these would be good and I highly FAVOUR it. However, #11 just may start WWIII with the men in the states. HAHAHA They LOVE football! Funny post and thanks for sharing it. :D
    http://sassyuptownchic.blogspot.com/

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  13. I'm not from US or Uk but loved this text. Actually living in Italy, anyone would do for us apart from the actual Berlusconi .

    The Dolls Factory

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  14. Thanx all for shouting out to me! Absolutely love reading what all of you have shared. I will get back to all of you individually in time to come.

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