Friday, April 20, 2018

Horrible Nightmare on the Last Leg of my Pregnancy Journey




I am exactly at Week 39 today and 7 more days to count down to my EDD on 26 April 18.

From about Week 36 onwards, many people around me predicted that I would deliver earlier at Week 37 due to the size of my bump and all the symptoms I was exhibiting.

Although I was given home hospitalization leave to rest at home since last week, I am only officially using it this week. I didn’t like being alone at home as it reminded me of my Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) days and made me sicker. I also preferred to be doing as much work as I possibly could before going on maternity leave, to be around people and feeling the warmth of my colleagues instead of mopping about at home. I am also blessed with colleagues who willingly volunteered to drive me to the hospital in case of any emergency.

I finished running the last “Baby A Errand” on Tuesday, that is to register her into our Number 1 shortlisted Infant Care Centre (IFC) and then I am all ready for her arrival. While I was getting lots of new signs and symptoms of her impending arrival since last Friday, all these suddenly stopped yesterday and I’m feeling a little bummed.

My mind tells me that I am able to make use of this time to settle lots of other things while waiting for her arrival whereas my body doesn’t allow me to.

I could sit down and open the tonnes of unopened letters and bills and file them all up.

I could read up on some insurance policies.

I could pack my existing clothes into drawers to make space for Baby A and the confinement lady.

I could pack all the stuff out from the baby cot and wipe it down instead of waiting for the hubby to do so.

I could update my blog with many posts and slowly post them on a timed schedule.

I could check in with some groups of friends which I have not been doing so religiously during my pregnancy.

However right now, I could only do things that do not require much brain juice and physical strength. In other words, I have become stupid and handicapped in my own ways.

My eczema rash from the stretch marks on my bump has gotten more serious. The rash are spreading to more areas, are unbearably itchy and painful and have become angry open wounds. Besides prescribing me with mild steroid cream that is pregnancy safe, my gynae also prescribed me Xyzal which is a much stronger oral anti-histamine than Piriton (which I have been using to knock me to sleep).

Xyzal is NOT supposed to be drowsy but somehow while on it the past 2 days, I feel drowsy and sickly that I only wake up in the late morning and still nap in the day. I am also nauseous and queasy quite a lot and I can’t really function well.

Then just now during my nap, I had the most horrible nightmare ever. I dreamt that Baby A was gone. When people asked me what happened to Baby A, I was at a loss for words.

In the dream, I knew that I had lost her but I couldn’t recall exactly what happened. There was haziness about having to choose between the well-being of my family and friends and whoever I cared for over having a smooth delivery and survival for Baby A. I believe I chose the former as I rationalized that these people were physical/tangible and hence more important whereas Baby A isn’t as physical yet and that I could make another baby next time.

It was difficult to finally have Baby A in our lives and I don’t know why I am so horrible to have rationalized it in that manner. I don't even know why I was made to choose. Was there some horrible being wanting me to make a choice? Was it all in my mind? I screamed and wailed in the dream so much that I had no voice left and I woke up tearing.

I also dreamt that to cope with her loss, I was going to use back Baby A’s English and Chinese name for the next baby in memory of her and got chided by people around me for not leaving a proper memory of Baby A. I explained that her legacy and memories would live on in my next child by using the same name but got more criticisms instead and said that I totally deserved it that Baby A was taken away from me.

My dreams are always vivid and I had 2 bad dreams during my HG phase which I recalled vividly. Ever since then, I did not encounter any pregnancy nightmare till today. I read up on the side effects of Xyzal and was horrified by what I read. Apparently it caused drowsiness in many people and some had nightmares too! I wonder if this is one of the side effects and perhaps I should try to bear with my itch instead of continuing to take it. Apart from the drowsiness and nightmare, some people experience more itch which is what is happening to me now. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones causing the spread of rash from bump to other parts of the body or if it is one of Xyzal's side effect. The itch is so bad that I feel like tearing my skin away!


~*~*~*~*~

Dear Baby A,

Please be a good girl and make Mummy as comfortable as possible before your arrival.

You are so heavy that the pain and pressure is almost too much to bear standing, sitting and lying down. I could hardly move about now.

At times, you would be pressing onto some nerves that would make Mummy's legs give way all of a sudden while standing or walking. There was once my legs gave way while squatting and I sat on the floor not being able to get up till Daddy helped me up.

The many lighting crotch experience from your little movements inside that feel like a T-Rex clawing at my cervix is getting annoyingly painful.

The eczema rash from the stretch marks are so itchy and they have become angry open wounds. Mummy had no choice but to use steroid and Xyzal.

The gastrointestinal pain and stomach upsets are getting way too frequent. They sometimes come along with queasiness and nausea which should have stopped by now.

The panting and shortness of breath is worsening every day; I feel like I can’t take in enough oxygen for you.

Mummy is at Week 39 today. It has been 9 months of having you growing inside me and this is the closest we would ever be. Although you’re causing me lots of discomfort so much that I want to evict you, I love having you inside me and the bond we share. I know that despite all the discomfort now, I would still wanna stuff you back into me as I know I would miss this feeling of having you so close to me.

You have caused quite a lot of problems to Mummy from the start:- The initial bleeding for days after the test kit showed positive, the difficult HG phase and then for the past few days, you had been giving Mummy all sorts of discomfort and signs of your arrival which suddenly stopped after Tuesday.

You have been so obedient to stay inside when Mummy kept telling you to do so for the past one week when we were not ready yet. Right now, Daddy and Mummy have finished running the last errand for you and are ready for your arrival. As much as I know that having you out means a whole new set of challenges to overcome, everything would be all worthwhile.

Daddy and Mummy love you!

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