Friday, May 11, 2007
Do You Hoochie Coochie?
This article by Tommey Wee from last week's issue of 8 Days really cracked me up. I LOL in the mrt, inviting many curious stares and unuttered thoughts on whether the said person was insane.
I'm gonna share this hilarious piece with all of you so that you all can LOL too. Just make sure you don't read this during office hours. ;P
Now it's an article about Hoochie Coochie -- A new facial aiming to exfoliate and smooth a woman's nether region.
It opened with a huge but rather unflattering picture of Kurara Chibana, whipping her drapes apart to reveal her tie dye bikini top and OoOH a huge smiley face across her crotch.
Now I can't find a similar picture on the internet but believe me, the photo is indeed unflattering.
Firstly, the 8 Days photo of Kurara does not even resemble Kurara.
Secondly, the same Kurara has practically boobs as flat as her washboard tummy. Now how can that be possible? We all know how well-endowed Kurara is.
Let me splash a couple of droolicious photos of Kurara before I regurgitate the article here.
This fine woman is Miss Japan Universe 2006, Kurara Chibana. That's striking pose right there. You can almost imagine her squealing, "Tadah!" It's an awesome photo because she looks super confident and poised, like she got all her waxing done in time.
Incidentally, there’s a lot of talk about a new facial available at Strip in town. It’s called the Hoochie Coochie facial. It sounds like a terrible dance, but technically speaking, it’s a facial that costs up to $95. It’s just not for the face. Confused?
It’s for that sensitive area between a woman’s legs. That’s right, after brutal stripping and waxing, auntie therapists strong enough to arm-wrestle your dad will casually caution, “Would you like a Hoochie Coochie? You don’t want chicken skin there, do you?” Now for the sake of readers who don’t pluck, shave or wax (where are your friends?), “chicken skin” refers to the raised, uneven pores, the kind you get when you repeatedly attack yourself with tweezers.
The Hoochie Coochie Facial claims to cool your skin from the hot wax while reducing blemishes and uneven tones. I’m just wondering, how much time do people spend down there? It’s not something you show someone over coffee, do you? “See Rachel, look what I got today… The Hoochie! Go ahead, touch it… touch it! Smooth hor?”
I looked up “hoochie coochie” in Urbandictionary.com and found two definitions: 1) “Slutty women who can never seem to find their own man to f****.” 2) “A shameless hussy who always pushes up on a guy even though he has a girlfriend.” There was even a helpful example of how to use the term in a sentence:”Damn, man, it seems that everytime I find a man, some hoochie coochie always tries to f**** with him.”
So it’s a noun then.
I think it’s very unfair labeling for women who opt for the Hoochie Coochie. It suggest some form of preparation for sin. You don’t get facials unless you are making an appearance right? Same theory. Also – and I’m more concerned about this – does it mean that all moral women keep a Sasquatch in their pants?
I think women really have the whole 'hair' thing down. They're as smooth as eggs now. In terms of hair removal technology, women make us guys look like medieval butchers hacking away at bloody beef. They've got strips, waxes, creams, electrolysis and now, facials. They're done with hair. It's extinct now. I can't even deal with plucking my eyebrows. The last time a girl tweezed hair off my chin, I gripped the sheets and teared silently.
But I'm concerned with how easily women are coerced into getting facials there. Do they really need it, though? If someone's face is inches from my groin and she's holding hot wax or sharp objects, I'd do anything she suggests, It's called "vulnerability". Who's gonna negotiate? Who's gonna sit there, parted like elevator doors, and defend her chicken skin?
And what will happen if the Hoochie Coochie facial takes off? I picture new products swarming the market, stuff like pitera jelly masks, whiteners, peels, scrubs and pimple creams, all for the female genitalia. And over coffee, you'll overhear conversations that go, "She had a nice therapist who massaged her for extra 15 minutes, okay. She's just great. I'm telling you, I want my face to be as smooth as Susan's *vajayjay."
*Creator of Grey's Anatomy, Rhimes, told us that she was obliged to create the word "vajayjay" for "vagina" in scripts because of endless hassle with the [Standards & Practices] department. "They told me we couldn't say 'vagina' one more time in our show." Now, of course the word "vajayjay" has entered the popular lexicon among female fans of the show.