I'm a little too greedy but I can't help it when I've been feeling down recently. I have not been feeling this down for as long as I could remember.
I'm sick physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am able to elaborate more on my physical sickness but I do not really know why I'm emotionally, mentally and spiritually sick. I just know myself that I am.
Physically, I'm in pain.
It's not the stomach but the small intestine area (around the belly button) and it is always after dinner or supper but not for meals taken in the day. Hence, I've gotten quite used to the pain over time. In my previous company, I do not eat at regular hours and hence often suffer from gastric pains which would get even more intense after eating. I do not even classify this as an illness. I thought it was too regular to be a sickness. Hence, I just do not bother as the pain would slowly dissipate after an hour or more.
My 2nd sister told me to go for a check up since she knew of somebody who often complained of tummy pain after eating, only to find a tumour upon having it checked. It turned out that whenever after meals, the stomach expanded and pressed onto the tumour, causing the pain. I brushed it aside saying that if there really were a tumour in me, I would be feeling the pain after every meal.
Recently, the pain got more frequent and intense. I feel pain whether I am hungry or not, whether I eat a lot or too little, whether I eat at proper timing or not and regardless of any kind of food (healthy, junk whatever).
Then 2 weeks ago, I suffered from the most intense post-dinner/supper tummy ache and heart burn for 4 hours. The heartburn was so bad that I just sat on the edge of my bed without daring to breathe hard for what seemed like an eternity. I could not lie down; I could not sleep.
From then till now, it is a daily pain (both intense and bearable). I was referred by my favourite doctor to a specialist at the hospital who before checking my tummy, asked me lots and lots of questions while ruling out various prognosis. The mildest prognosis would be inflammation or constricting of the intestines.
There were a few tests suggested: colonoscopy, barium enema and CT colonography. All of them have their pros and cons. I opted for the CT colonography. The appointment is somewhere in end November. Hopefully from then till now, I would be able to bear with the daily pain. No painkiller was given as I did not want them. I'm currently on probiotics capsules and there would be a symphony playing in my tummy followed by a cacophony of noises every now and then.
I would appreciate if any of you could share with me more about tummy related pains and resulting diagnosis.
In my opinion, being sick in a non-physical way is a lot worse than being sick physically. Yes, it is true that you can't do lots being bound by physical illness. However besides my physical illness, the non physical illnesses are plaguing me right now.
I'm very affected by other issues besides my illness. I'm just in a very depressing rut now but I will slowly heal on my own.
It is really ironic for someone so positive and upbeat to feel so depressed.
I'm touched by the care and concern shown by my colleagues when I left work halfway on Monday to see a doctor due to the pain. I'm touched by the care and concern they showed me even when I'm not at work. I'm touched by all who asked after me too. I really do not know how to answer people whenever they asked if I'm ok coz all I could think of is that I'm still in pain. But there is also a lot more to the physical pain which I can't explain.
Then my mum texted me asking me how I was feeling and that she would accompany me to the hospital. I hadn't intended to tell them about the specialist visit but I had no choice as my dad was making some arrangement with me and I had to tell him. Her message touched me to tears but I was in public and could not cry openly.
Throughout my years, I've been shuttling to hospitals not for myself but for others. For a period of time, I was also shuttling to hospital for my god daughter too. I've always accompanied my mum for her check ups and follow ups and now that she offered to go with me, it truly touched me to tears. When she called me, I had to decline. I told her not to worry and tried to put down the phone as soon as possible coz my voice was breaking from choked tears.
I had to be alone. I knew that my crying phase was coming back with a vengeance during this period of time and I can't be around people I know. It doesn't really help when the hubby is not around. I suspect I'm fast falling into depression but I know I would feel a lot better after shutting myself off for a while from physical interaction with people.
I'm very good at masking my true emotions at times. Pretending that I'm alright is what I do best once I get past the tearing/ crying stage. However, when I'm still in this super emo crying rut, I just want to shut myself up and avoid physical interaction with people as I do not want people to see the state that I am in.
I do not really like writing emo stuff on my blog or Facebook. As far I always maintain that there is beauty in melancholy, I do not believe in affecting other people with my emosity and creating negative energy through my writing whenever I'm upset. Besides, I'm always known by others as being very cheerful and influencing people with my positivism.
Due to the fact that I'm typing this on draft and trying to get all my emotions out one last time before I could finally attempt to empty the tears reservoir, I may or may not opt to publish this.
A few friends and readers had along the way told me that my sad posts made them cry buckets. I even recall a reader telling me that she had spent the whole day reading my sad posts and crying in front of her computer. I would not want to do that now.
I'm really identifying with these quotes right now:
"Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad. It simply means they are human and make mistakes."
"There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad." -- Kurt Cobain
FYI, I used the F-word in a section of my entry essay for my current job. And that's coz I used Kurt Cobain's quote above to describe both my strength and weakness.
While it is good to love people and care for them, caring too much for others would get yourself into deep trouble too.
If you feel that I'm talking incoherently up to this point, it is simply because I am. If I were a product, my tagline would be "I am an antithesis of myself". I encompass many opposing traits and I do not often know myself.
I will cry and cry and cry myself silly till I feel better but I do not know when the tears would stop flowing. In the meantime, I distract myself by being as normal as possible, doing normal things like watching lots of TV, playing word games and editing halloween photos for my blog... while tearing every now and then.
I will bounce back in no time... pain-free hopefully.
Sakamoto's Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence is a piece I love to listen to on repeat no matter what my mood is but the music touches deep into my heart especially in times of sadness.