Thursday, November 01, 2012

11:11 Make a Wish

At 11:11 pm last night, I wished for good health. Not only physical, but emotional, mental and spiritual.






I'm a little too greedy but I can't help it when I've been feeling down recently. I have not been feeling this down for as long as I could remember.


I'm sick.


I'm sick physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am able to elaborate more on my physical sickness but I do not really know why I'm emotionally, mentally and spiritually sick. I just know myself that I am.


Physically, I'm in pain.


I would always suffer from tummy pain after dinner or supper for almost 80% of the time. I would just sit down and hunch the pain away or lie curled up hugging my bolster if I'm at home. The pain is akin to having a very taut string in my body which feels as if it would snap if I stand or sit up straight.


It's not the stomach but the small intestine area (around the belly button) and it is always after dinner or supper but not for meals taken in the day. Hence, I've gotten quite used to the pain over time. In my previous company, I do not eat at regular hours and hence often suffer from gastric pains which would get even more intense after eating. I do not even classify this as an illness. I thought it was too regular to be a sickness. Hence, I just do not bother as the pain would slowly dissipate after an hour or more.


My 2nd sister told me to go for a check up since she knew of somebody who often complained of tummy pain after eating, only to find a tumour upon having it checked. It turned out that whenever after meals, the stomach expanded and pressed onto the tumour, causing the pain. I brushed it aside saying that if there really were a tumour in me, I would be feeling the pain after every meal.


Recently, the pain got more frequent and intense. I feel pain whether I am hungry or not, whether I eat a lot or too little, whether I eat at proper timing or not and regardless of any kind of food (healthy, junk whatever).


Then 2 weeks ago, I suffered from the most intense post-dinner/supper tummy ache and heart burn for 4 hours. The heartburn was so bad that I just sat on the edge of my bed without daring to breathe hard for what seemed like an eternity. I could not lie down; I could not sleep.


From then till now, it is a daily pain (both intense and bearable). I was referred by my favourite doctor to a specialist at the hospital who before checking my tummy, asked me lots and lots of questions while ruling out various prognosis. The mildest prognosis would be inflammation or constricting of the intestines.


The area of pain around the belly button is a tricky issue. Neither could a scope from the top nor from the bottom reach that part of the intestines. Also, the doctor preempted me that there are instances of patients undergoing one tests after another but having nothing found with the pain still persisting. I do hope something could be found whether bad or not so that I don't keep wondering what is wrong with me.





There were a few tests suggested: colonoscopy, barium enema and CT colonography. All of them have their pros and cons. I opted for the CT colonography. The appointment is somewhere in end November. Hopefully from then till now, I would be able to bear with the daily pain. No painkiller was given as I did not want them. I'm currently on probiotics capsules and there would be a symphony playing in my tummy followed by a cacophony of noises every now and then.


I would appreciate if any of you could share with me more about tummy related pains and resulting diagnosis.


~~~


In my opinion, being sick in a non-physical way is a lot worse than being sick physically. Yes, it is true that you can't do lots being bound by physical illness. However besides my physical illness, the non physical illnesses are plaguing me right now.


I'm very affected by other issues besides my illness. I'm just in a very depressing rut now but I will slowly heal on my own.


It is really ironic for someone so positive and upbeat to feel so depressed.


I'm touched by the care and concern shown by my colleagues when I left work halfway on Monday to see a doctor due to the pain. I'm touched by the care and concern they showed me even when I'm not at work. I'm touched by all who asked after me too. I really do not know how to answer people whenever they asked if I'm ok coz all I could think of is that I'm still in pain. But there is also a lot more to the physical pain which I can't explain.





Then my mum texted me asking me how I was feeling and that she would accompany me to the hospital. I hadn't intended to tell them about the specialist visit but I had no choice as my dad was making some arrangement with me and I had to tell him. Her message touched me to tears but I was in public and could not cry openly.


Throughout my years, I've been shuttling to hospitals not for myself but for others. For a period of time, I was also shuttling to hospital for my god daughter too. I've always accompanied my mum for her check ups and follow ups and now that she offered to go with me, it truly touched me to tears. When she called me, I had to decline. I told her not to worry and tried to put down the phone as soon as possible coz my voice was breaking from choked tears.



I had to be alone. I knew that my crying phase was coming back with a vengeance during this period of time and I can't be around people I know. It doesn't really help when the hubby is not around. I suspect I'm fast falling into depression but I know I would feel a lot better after shutting myself off for a while from physical interaction with people.






I'm very good at masking my true emotions at times. Pretending that I'm alright is what I do best once I get past the tearing/ crying stage. However, when I'm still in this super emo crying rut, I just want to shut myself up and avoid physical interaction with people as I do not want people to see the state that I am in.





Don't... Don't ask me if I'm ok. Don't ask me how I am feeling face to face coz my floodgates might just open. Besides, I don't even know myself why I'm feeling so depressed.





I do not really like writing emo stuff on my blog or Facebook. As far I always maintain that there is beauty in melancholy, I do not believe in affecting other people with my emosity and creating negative energy through my writing whenever I'm upset. Besides, I'm always known by others as being very cheerful and influencing people with my positivism.


Due to the fact that I'm typing this on draft and trying to get all my emotions out one last time before I could finally attempt to empty the tears reservoir, I may or may not opt to publish this.


A few friends and readers had along the way told me that my sad posts made them cry buckets. I even recall a reader telling me that she had spent the whole day reading my sad posts and crying in front of her computer. I would not want to do that now.


I'm really identifying with these quotes right now:

"Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad. It simply means they are human and make mistakes."




"There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad." -- Kurt Cobain




FYI, I used the F-word in a section of my entry essay for my current job. And that's coz I used Kurt Cobain's quote above to describe both my strength and weakness.


While it is good to love people and care for them, caring too much for others would get yourself into deep trouble too.


If you feel that I'm talking incoherently up to this point, it is simply because I am. If I were a product, my tagline would be "I am an antithesis of myself". I encompass many opposing traits and I do not often know myself.


I will cry and cry and cry myself silly till I feel better but I do not know when the tears would stop flowing. In the meantime, I distract myself by being as normal as possible, doing normal things like watching lots of TV, playing word games and editing halloween photos for my blog... while tearing every now and then.


I will bounce back in no time... pain-free hopefully.





Sakamoto's Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence is a piece I love to listen to on repeat no matter what my mood is but the music touches deep into my heart especially in times of sadness.


17 comments:

  1. I hope you get to feeling better doll, I know feeling unwell is never good! *hugs*

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  2. Sweet Jo, you've been so strong ever since I first met you here on Blogger, you've been strong for your friends, for your goddaughter, you've been strong for your family, and also for us when we had an off-day. You've been helping so many people, so if you think you need help from them now, I'm sure they'd be willing to return the favour. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength, that you are strong enough to face the fact that, yes, you're feeling down, and yes, you're feeling scared, and no, not everything is going as you planned/hoped it to go.

    It's so strong of you, to vent these feelings in your diary. It's also often easier to write them down rather than speak them out loud. If writing this post made you cry, good! I always feel a lot better after I cried it all out. I hope it made you feel a bit better too, and helped you sort some things out.

    I hope you'll take the time you need to feel better, sweetie, both physically and emotionally. Accept help and advice from the people around you, and take good care of your body and soul x

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  3. You don't have to be positive. You don't have to always be strong for others. Let them be strong for you now, let your mom mother you. You are loved!!!

    I'm so sorry you're in so many types of pain. It must be harder with oh away. Did you let him know everything about this?

    At first I thought you were having gallbladder pain, but that's probably higher in the abdomen.

    For too long I made people think I never needed help. Then when I really needed help no one was there because it never occurred to them there was anything I couldn't handle on my own--I was the one who helped them. But the truth is we all need help at times. Let people help you. You are soooo loved!

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  4. Jo: every once in awhile we go through this phase. It is okay to be emotional..it is okay to let our tears running down our face...it is okay to say i cant handle this anymore...it is okay to accept help. After all, we are not super human..not a robot. I am sorry to hear you are dealing with physical and emotional pains, it is difficult, frustrating and stressful when sick. Health issue can take toll on both body and mind, i am praying you feel well real soon.

    I kind of sensed something was not right based on your frequency of blogging as of late. Something was up on my side as well that resulted in me discontinuing my blog. As soon as you feel well, you can find me at maysaandsunshine at blogspot.

    Take care girlie

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  5. Owwhh ;c i'll send you a warm hug! I hope you will get well soon or even feel a little bit better.

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  6. Owwhh ;c i'll send you a warm hug! I hope you will get well soon or even feel a little bit better.

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  7. PS - auto-correct changed kh to oh!!! "Hugs" my friend.

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  8. Also, mistakes are how we gain experience. We do the best we can and make what seem to be the best choices at the time. Sometimes the choices don't work out and we learn. Every human has made and will continue to make mistakes.

    From a TV show called 30 Rock: "There are no bad ideas, only great ideas gone terribly wrong."

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  9. Dear Jolene,
    Its me. I haven comment for a long time but I'm still reading your blog. I feel sad knowing that you are sad and I don't know what to say. You are always very strong and I hope you can bounce back soon. As for your sickness, don't think too much about it first until the ct colonography to find out what is it. I will pray for you.

    ~Yen

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  10. How many comments are too many for one post??? :)
    Thinking about you!

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  11. TDDH,

    Thank you, dear. =)


    ~~~

    Bibi,

    Your words made me tear when I first read them and then when I reread them. I’m glad that I’m not tearing now as I’m reading them again in reply.

    Thank you so much for your words. They truly mean a lot.

    Many of my close friends have reached out to me over text but I’ve declined their help. I know myself that I would feel a lot better being physically alone no matter how many of them insisted that I must not be alone to dwell.
    Don’t worry about me. I will try to normalise myself by doing normal things from now on.

    *big hugz*


    ~~~

    Rick,

    There is never too many comments for the same post as I know you are concerned for me. Thank you. Your thoughts and words truly mean a lot to me. Similar to Bibi above, your words made me tear when I first read them and then when I reread them. I’m glad that I’m not tearing now as I’m reading them again in reply.

    I know, understand and practise what you said about making mistakes and gaining experience. Have you ever felt that you try to be as good a person as you are your whole life and then suddenly one grave mistake causes harm to people and yourself and then wipes all your good away? All the good karma that you have gathered, all your mantra of being nice and kind to people around you simply eradicated within a short time. It is a terrible feeling when your resultant bad is the spotlight with all the loads of previous good overlooked.

    You always dish words of wisdom which I could totally identity with coz we are more or less similar when we deal with people. I’m not sure if you have experienced what I’ve mentioned above. I think the very first step to this is to try to put things right for whatever that is within your power to do so and then trying to forgive yourself. It is just too difficult to achieve the latter.


    ~~~

    Nelah,

    Thank you, dear. As of the rest of you treasured blogger friends who left me long notes, I teared while reading yours. Your words mean a lot to me. I know, I know and I know everything that you have said but it is just so difficult to put into practice.

    My frequency of blogging is due to my busy-ness. I haven’t been updating long photo story of backdated happenings, not to mention replying to comments and visiting blogs. But in a way, my tummy pain has gotten more frequent and intense which could sort of contributed as well.

    I didn’t even know you moved! I haven’t read your last few entries to know what happened. I would definitely miss you and I’m glad you started a new blog instead of closing down your old one like what you were contemplating the last time. I would get back to you soon.


    ~~~

    Jenny Ye,

    Thank you, dear.


    ~~~

    Yen,

    I really haven’t seen you around in my comments page for a long time. Glad to know that you are still reading. You don’t have to say much coz I could already feel your concern. Thank you, dear.

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  12. Hope u feel much better soon, dear Jo!!! Old methods works best I think~
    Eat more fruits, have more rest, drink more plain water, Exercise n Remain Positive-thinking always! God bless u!!!

    LoVe, VIVIEN :)

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  13. Yes, I know what it's like. Rubbing away the mark of a grave mistake takes time, but it can be done.

    There's an old expression about being a "stand-up guy". It's a person who can be trusted to always try to do the right thing. But everyone who stands up, sooner or later they stumble and fall. All we can do is get up and try to not fall again.

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  14. dear jo, i wish i could tell you how i understand you, how i've been there but i know that anyone will ever understand what you're going through, these are your feelings and you're the only one feeling them. The only thing i can say to you is that things get better with time. i believe you can pull it through because you're a very dedicated person and you deserve to be happy. Sometimes we need to fight for happiness, it might be something natural for some but others might have to look further to find it. I'm a person who tends to be a bit pessimist about life, in the past i've been through a deep depression as well. There was a time where i spent days in bed, i wouldn't eat and i lost a lot of weight because of it. I was going through some problems in my life including a benign tumor that needed surgery plus a hard break up of a 2 year relationship. It was physically hard but it was psychologically harder. Sometimes life challanges us, but like my younger sister says, life gives the hardest battles to the strongest fighters! And you might not see how strong you are now but i believe you can make it dear :) have a little faith in yourself!

    When it comes do fighting depression there a few things you might try that i've learned through my experience:
    -read books about how to help yourself being happy
    -try making things to occupy your mind and be focused while you're doing them. Don't think about any other things than what you're doing at that particular moment.That will keep you from bad thoughts.
    -sorround yourself with the ones you love and the things that really matter
    -ignore the things that makes you feel down. lets say that there are people being mean to you: ask yourself "do these people matter to me?" if the answer is "no" then what they say has no value to you neither.

    If you're physically i'll you need to seek a doctor and maybe do those exams you have mentioned. It's better to face your problems so you can find a way to fix them too! also, making a blood check up is a good idea, sometimes people with low lithium levels have a tendency to become depressive, ask your doctor about it he will explain it to you ^-^ i'm not sure why but doctors in my family have told me this and when my sister was feeling down last year, she did blood tests and lithium came up very low too :O

    If you need to talk you can always contact me Jo, I wish you the best

    Love * Monstros no Armário

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  15. Hi Jo,

    first of all I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a lot.. I have been through that period myself.. whther physical pain or just emotional pain.

    Actually I'm going through some similar right now - getting bodily cramps the last few days and stressing over relationship and relocation.

    I hope you will feel better soon with your husband and family's support. At least you're able to admit you are not well, thats the first step to recovery. I hope nothing serious will come about your sicknes. Get better soon!

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  16. Vivien,

    Thank you, dear. You are always so sweet.


    ~~~

    Rick,

    Thank you for introducing the concept of the stand-up guy. I never heard of it before, only heard of stand-up comedienne. I think the greatest obstacle to overcome after falling is to forgive oneself, learn from past experience and move on. What if others do not want to do so? There is nothing to be done except to know that you have done your part?


    ~~~

    Skinny Love/ Sofia,

    Thank you, dear. I know perfectly well what you are trying to say and I totally agree with what your sister has said. It is always a lot easier to dish out words of advice to people that even you yourself know but when it comes to practising, it is rather difficult. I know that everything happens for a reason and it is for us to gain experience and take away a lesson or two from each experience.

    I hope that your past bout of depression has allowed you to resurface a better and stronger person. I know it has for you wouldn’t be able to dish out all these meaningful words.

    I only wished that the physical illness and pain plus the mental suffering could just be easily extricated from one another so that it is easier to deal with them separately. Unfortunately, we can’t do that.

    Thank you once more for all your suggestions. I always feel touched reading all these messages from lovely people like you.


    ~~~

    Nic Nic,

    Thank you for your concern, dear. It really sucks when everything rains on you all at once. I hope your bodily cramps and stress pass soon.

    I agree but it took a little some time to admit such feelings. It is easy to admit the physical pain coz you definitely can’t hide that.
    I hope you get better too, nic!

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  17. Yes. We can't make others move forward. If they want to hold onto our mistake, they will. Some of those people are petty and want to use our mistake to make themselves feel superior (even though they mess up all the time). Some don't know how to forgive. But most people will move forward with you. Do your best to make amends and give people time to get over it. But don't keep punishing yourself--or put up with others punishing you. Eventually things have to get back to normal.

    ReplyDelete

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