I think I'm ready to share my flashes of dream about Charmaine.
Before I continue, I've to say that my tear ducts have been malfunctioning till now since Charmaine's cremation on the Sunday of 23rd October.
I simply have no more tears in me, not even tears from yawning.
I simply have no more tears in me, not even when I listen or read about sad news.
I simply have no more tears in me, not even tears to lubricate my eyes when my contact lens got stuck one night. My whole eye was red but stil, there was nary a drop of tear.
I'm one with such active tear ducts that my tears would streak down my face even from yawning. I cry when I watch sad movies. I sob when I read or listen to sad stories. I tear very easily even when I don't feel sad at all which I hated coz I hated my tearing to be associated with weakness until I realise and come to embrace the fact that strong people cry too.
It's only human to cry.
I felt a little abnormal when I had no more tears in me the next day. For a period of time, I tried looking and relooking at the tons of photos we have taken throughout the years. I rewatched all our crazy videos from when Jase and Charmaine were just toddlers to pre cancer days and after. I read ourfeistyprincess.blogspot.com coz Cyn has never ever failed to move me to tears with all her emotive words.
I felt like an android devoid of human feelings when I attempted to rediscover my lost emotions.
I've not told anyone snippets of the dream except to Cyn mommy coz I wanted her to be the first one to hear of it, not caring whether she would cry from it or not. Anyway, she has been laughing and crying every other day which is pretty normal. I thought that by relating to her the dream face to face, my floodgates would open. It didn't.
On to the dream.
I don't exactly know where we were in the dream, probably in Cyn's house. Putting myself in dreamscape, I knew it was cyn's house but I don't have any recollection of the setting at all.
Somehow in the dream, we all know that Charmaine had passed away but she was still around at times. When I reached their place, Cyn told me charchar was still around and so I asked her where.
"You will be able to see her if you use your heart to feel," cyn answered.
I felt my emotions stirring and as if magic dust was sprinkled into my eyes, there char was sitting on the sofa with her cheeky little grin and waving to me.
"I CAN SEE HER! I CAN SEE YOU CHAR! Can I hug you?"
I was delirious to be able to see char in her cheeky self, healthy and all.
"You have to keep using your heart and everything would be real," Cyn reminded.
I kept my feelings there and went over to hug charchar.
I could feel her in my arms. I felt her physical body. I felt her warmth. Then, everything seemed to gravitate away from me.
I woke up and stared a while in the dark room, making out the silhoutte of the things in my room. The hubby wasn't around and I was all alone on the bed, feeling so lost and lonely. I think I felt a little tear drop on the outer corner of my right eye; just a tiny little drop before I drifted off to sleep.
I didn't remember my dream immediately; but when I awoke, I knew I dreamt of her. There were hazy images but after a week, I was finally able to put them all together now.
I'm expecting myself to cry when I get all of these out in words.
I don't feel the tears coming and I don't like it.
I do feel the detachment and the distance and I don't like it.
Despite all these, it doesn't change the fact that I still love you, charchar. I prefer to think of it as you sprinkling some magic dust on me and healing my rather active tear ducts, giving me the strength not to cry at every little thing anymore.
Thank you Charmaine for doing so.
Godma Jolene will always love you.