Thursday, March 29, 2007

Energy, please come back

Since January, I have been feeling the dread of work. The engine has run out of steam… FINALLY.

I used to uphold a positive attitude towards work.

The long hours and the infrequent meal times were nothing. I just worked as if I was not working. I love what I’m doing and I still love the kids. I did not feel like I was working. I did not feel like I was sacrificing a lot by staying so late to complete a task or to come back when I’m on mc. I did not even bother about the company compensating for my time as I did not think of all these as OT. I did not ask for any recognition.

In this contemporary time, employers hire people who work smart. Nobody would want to hire an employee who works hard. It just goes to prove that he or she is inefficient.

With that in mind, I felt so incompetent that I was not able to finish my tasks as quickly. I felt so inefficient.

Then sometime in February, some major changes in the company came and I was feeling a little stressed up. The one man show most of the time was eating into me. The awaiting to go into Uni xiao mei under me did help a lot but I was making all the major decisions.

I did not really turn to anyone for I did not see any major problem but the stress seemed to be building up insidiously.

I spent almost all my time at home doing marking that I had no other pastime. I mark till 3am. I mark till my eyes could not open and when I start to mark subconscientiously, I know I had better hit my pillow then. I mark while I’m watching tv. I mark while I’m eating. I only put down my pen when I have the chance to use the computer.

I am practically working for all the number of hours not spent sleeping and giving tuition.

I started to dread work and was beginning to feel normal. I know that my philosophy on work is abnormal. Normal people dread work; I must go with the flow. I once said in my closing entry of 2006:

“Everything has been very smooth-flowing. Sometimes too smooth-flowing that I’m afraid I would meet with a waterfall.”

This had to be one of the waterfalls.

I don’t know if my direct superior had sensed my negative energy at that point of time coz she had a talk with me. I don’t know if she’s afraid that I would leave but she said a lot of encouraging things to me. She thought I may be stressed up about the coming results of the annual appraisal of which that would be my first time and told me that it was natural for everyone to have butterflies in their tummies during that time of the year. Little did she know that I was not even affected by it all. I could not pinpoint what was the basis for my loss of energy and zest but the appraisal was the last thing on my mind. I shared with her that I would not think of leaving but I had lost much zest in work. I was simply not as enthusiastic as before but hoped to find back my energy.

It did not help that my most favourite P2 boy had withdrawn during the same time.

I tried to convince his mum to let him come back and eventually won him back. He was also very happy to come back as he enjoys the lesson very much. My favourite class would not have been my favourite class without him. I would have every Saturday to look forward to.

Then came the appraisal day and I was not at all excited coz I was so sick in my intestine that not shitting in my pants was all I had on my mind.

The positive comments from the directors and superiors, the excellent 360° appraisal, the promotion, the pay increment, the whopping jump since I first started less than a year ago … Like a little child receiving a pat on her head and some coins in her palm as a reward, these proved to be incentives which really jolt me a little and inject some steam in me.

I hope that the energy would slowly come back.

9 comments:

  1. Always so happy to see new updates Jolene. I even come here when I'm working if my boss is not around just to see if there is anything new. So this explain why you havent been writing for so long.

    Ever heard of the saying that say "Find a job you love and you will never work a day of your life"?

    You are doing it and you are not abnormal. People should think this way then they will be happy. I'm not like you so I'm unhappy with work. I study and work and I work only for the money. :(

    ~Yen

    ReplyDelete
  2. I forgot to ask you to take care as i quickly press send when my boss walk pass. I will look at your replies in another post another time.

    Take care!

    ~Yen

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello sweets.
    I have not been commenting but decided to drop you a note of encouragement. You seemed to be really burnt out. At least your hard work paid off and you got a promotion and a raise. However, do take care and god bless. Your intestine ache could be due to stress.

    BTW you do look very energised in your very last post with photos. Such a pretty babe always.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yen,
    I used to have that thinking but slowly, I just don't have it anymore. However, it's much better now as compared to that period of time when I was feeling drained coz at least I don't dread work. I guess it's coz you have the burden of studying and working that's why you would be unhappy. Try to have positive thinking and it'll help to lift your mood. =)

    And... You better not let your boss catch you reading blogs during work time ok? Hehe. Anyway I seldom update so don’t risk it. =P

    ReplyDelete
  5. bwilly,
    Hello Daddy bwilly. Thanx a lot and hope to see your cutie baby soon. Must post pictures in May ya? =)

    ReplyDelete
  6. shakara,
    Hi gal. Yes, I haven’t seen you around for quite some time. You must be really busy. Really thank you for taking the time to leave that note of encouragement. Hmm… to every –ve action, there will always be a +ve reaction. I dunno if I’m the one who came out with this crap but I believe that there has to be balance for everything in life.

    Haha and of course I must look energised when I meet my friends… wait they kill me for being a wet blanket.

    Oh gosh. I forgot that I’m not tagging and could have replied all in one message. *mutters mutters*

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hee... But I really can't help clicking on to your blog.

    ReplyDelete

I love reading sincere comments and hearing your voice. While blatant self promotion of blogs and follow for follow requests are not advisable, I would love if you leave a mark here with a trackback link so that I could connect with you. I reply to comments here or on your blog so don't forget to check back on replies! =)

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