Energy, please come back

Since January, I have been feeling the dread of work. The engine has run out of steam… FINALLY.

I used to uphold a positive attitude towards work.

The long hours and the infrequent meal times were nothing. I just worked as if I was not working. I love what I’m doing and I still love the kids. I did not feel like I was working. I did not feel like I was sacrificing a lot by staying so late to complete a task or to come back when I’m on mc. I did not even bother about the company compensating for my time as I did not think of all these as OT. I did not ask for any recognition.

In this contemporary time, employers hire people who work smart. Nobody would want to hire an employee who works hard. It just goes to prove that he or she is inefficient.

With that in mind, I felt so incompetent that I was not able to finish my tasks as quickly. I felt so inefficient.

Then sometime in February, some major changes in the company came and I was feeling a little stressed up. The one man show most of the time was eating into me. The awaiting to go into Uni xiao mei under me did help a lot but I was making all the major decisions.

I did not really turn to anyone for I did not see any major problem but the stress seemed to be building up insidiously.

I spent almost all my time at home doing marking that I had no other pastime. I mark till 3am. I mark till my eyes could not open and when I start to mark subconscientiously, I know I had better hit my pillow then. I mark while I’m watching tv. I mark while I’m eating. I only put down my pen when I have the chance to use the computer.

I am practically working for all the number of hours not spent sleeping and giving tuition.

I started to dread work and was beginning to feel normal. I know that my philosophy on work is abnormal. Normal people dread work; I must go with the flow. I once said in my closing entry of 2006:

“Everything has been very smooth-flowing. Sometimes too smooth-flowing that I’m afraid I would meet with a waterfall.”

This had to be one of the waterfalls.

I don’t know if my direct superior had sensed my negative energy at that point of time coz she had a talk with me. I don’t know if she’s afraid that I would leave but she said a lot of encouraging things to me. She thought I may be stressed up about the coming results of the annual appraisal of which that would be my first time and told me that it was natural for everyone to have butterflies in their tummies during that time of the year. Little did she know that I was not even affected by it all. I could not pinpoint what was the basis for my loss of energy and zest but the appraisal was the last thing on my mind. I shared with her that I would not think of leaving but I had lost much zest in work. I was simply not as enthusiastic as before but hoped to find back my energy.

It did not help that my most favourite P2 boy had withdrawn during the same time.

I tried to convince his mum to let him come back and eventually won him back. He was also very happy to come back as he enjoys the lesson very much. My favourite class would not have been my favourite class without him. I would have every Saturday to look forward to.

Then came the appraisal day and I was not at all excited coz I was so sick in my intestine that not shitting in my pants was all I had on my mind.

The positive comments from the directors and superiors, the excellent 360° appraisal, the promotion, the pay increment, the whopping jump since I first started less than a year ago … Like a little child receiving a pat on her head and some coins in her palm as a reward, these proved to be incentives which really jolt me a little and inject some steam in me.

I hope that the energy would slowly come back.