Thursday, January 25, 2007

Missing Friends…

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missing: cannot be found; cannot be traced

missing: feeling the lack or loss of

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Lately I have been MISSING SOME FRIENDS. I also have SOME MISSING FRIENDS. I hope that while we are all caught up with our own lives, we could also let our lives intertwine at times.

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One night I dreamt of her. Subconsciously, I must have missed her terribly. I had not realised it in the state of my conscious busy-ness.

She must have employed some kind of right brain technique to creep into my REM state insidiously, like a wily worm. There, she did funny things to make me remember her. Since she always has such techniques of using emotive words to pull our heart strings, she must have some sort of power to do things while people sleep too.

I dreamt that we were supposed to meet up, but the rest weren’t around, which was strange as we usually meet up as a group. We chatted like how we always did back then. She, suan-ing me and I, suan-ing her. She is doing very well, like how she has always been doing. We chatted about lots of things but the details were vague. And then I asked her,

“Have you ever blamed me for leaving?”

She looked at me in her usual smiley slit eyes and said,

“No la! Why would I blame you?”

“I seem to be one of those whom people never expected to leave and suddenly wham bang, I had enough of it and decided that that would be my last term there. You have talked to us and tried to make us see things in your point of view but we still left.”

“Aiyah, no la. I need to go home liao. Come with me.”

Her house looked strangely familiar. It was one of those olden bungalow type of one-storey house. This image must have fused in from another figment in my REM state.

In the house, there was an old lady, I assumed to be her grandmother, and many children. They were all running about the house and were very happy to see that she had brought a visitor with her.

“Wow! All your students?”

“No, they are my kids. I quit already.”

I woke up.

I don’t know what this dream meant, ask the person who crept in.

I had wanted to blog about this. I would type a few paragraphs each time I had access to my sister’s computer but I could never finished before my sis chased me off.

I was determined to write about this before I sms her to tell her that I dreamt of her. For one, I didn’t wanna tell her directly what the dream was about. For another, I don’t know if she misses me as I do. Secarly I’m just a nobody to her.

Most of the time, I restrain myself upon thinking that the person may not reciprocate the same sentiments.

Heck, I don’t even know if she still reads my blog. Back then when we could still see each other everyday, she would quote lines out from my blog to suan me. As soon as I finished typing an entry on my off day, she would have read it the next day she saw me. After I left the co, I saw my ‘eateateat’ nickname mentioned twice on her blog and I knew she was still reading. Now, I have no clue at all as to whether she still reads.

I haven’t been catching up with her too coz those few times when I dropped by hh, and those few times when the hh people met up, she either had lessons, was in another branch or had something on.

Hence, I sms-ed her in my usual dee siao tone to mask whatever sentiment I had
AND

I will take YOUR word for it that YOU would be there during the next hh outing! You’ve been booked!

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I used to have this very good friend back in secondary school. When I transferred schools in secondary 2, she was the first gal who approached me and we clicked instantly.

That was 11 years ago towards the end of 1995. For a few years, we remained as very close friends and were each other’s confidante. I didn’t really care what people say about her because for all I know, she is a great gal and the best bud one could ever have.

We cried and hugged each other when we received our ‘O’ Levels results slips. Having always scored 20+ and 30+ points for our L1R5, we were elated to know that we had warrant enough points to go to a JC. However, we drifted apart when we went to different JCs. During our 1st year, we still met up and gossipped. After that, we just sort of disappeared from each other’s lives when she went overseas.

We only met up twice during our entire undergrad lives. One of my happiest meet up with her was in Perth. That time, kh was on course there and it was the Easter’s holiday week so I packed my luggage and flew over. Coincidentally, this good friend of mine was dropping by Perth to visit her friend. We managed to arrange a meet up through our very unstable long distance calls and sms-es.

Fancy meeting with an old friend in a foreign land! And all the arrangements were relatively impromptu. I could kick myself for forgetting my camera when I met her. Although I wasn’t able to capture that memory in print, that short one hour meet up made up a precious piece in my mind.

She sends Christmas cards every year. The hand-written words got lesser and lesser by the years. My tradition of sending Christmas cards stopped after JC, much less the handwritten words.

At times, when I thought of her, I would sms her but I would not get any reply. Did my sms-es somehow get lost somewhere in the 4th dimension? I am quite sure she did not change her number. I emailed her. No reply. Was my email floating about somewhere in cyberspace? I don’t know. Probably that address was no longer in use.

I didn’t have the courage to call as I thought maybe she didn’t want me as a friend anymore. But a Hallmark e-card came along last Christmas which was a huge consolation. At least it reaffirmed that the friendship is still there and that her email address is still in use.

Further emails and sms-es went unanswered. Finally on her birthday, I plucked up the courage to call her. It rang till it went dead. Three times in total.

What have happened to you? What have happened to us?

I have not forgotten you. Have you forgotten me?

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Recently, I started thinking about this gal I used to hang out with in JC. Both of us would pig out and slack and do unfinished homework during those Chinese periods when the rest of our poor classmates were having Chinese lessons.

The way I clicked with her was very different from the way I clicked with others. Usually I attune myself to people of the same siao-siao and bimbotic wavelength.

She was different. She was and I believe still is quite an interesting person. A little radical, not very mainstream yet not at all eccentric. She is a very nice person and friends from the same secondary school as her agree. Due to our surnames, she ranked just before me on the class list. Whenever teachers called out our English names, hers first then mine, she would tell me it sounded like ‘Angelina Jolie’. Our birthdays are just one day apart and she used to call me her Gemini twin.

Now, we have drifted apart. It seemed like I cannot contact her via her old hotmail address and maybe it is my fault that I don’t even bother finding out from my old classmates if they had her new email address.

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I’ve also lost touch with many of my St Nicks band friends. For one particular one, our parents knew each other. Our parents go out together once a week for singing while their daughters who used to be close friends do not meet that often, caught up in their own teaching world.

If you are reading this, please give me a sign.

Isn’t it funny how sometimes some people can really spend so much time with each other and have so much in common but once they are apart, all these didn’t really matter anymore?

It mattered.

People just get caught up with their own lives.

Did it matter to them?

I don’t know.

For me, I’m always finding a time when I’m so totally free to really pick up the phone and chit chat. I don’t want to just do a short drop by… tag and go… or do a “Hey I gotta go now”.

More often than not, I’m afraid that it didn’t matter to the other party as much as it mattered to me.

I’m more of the passive kind. But once I take the first step to salvage a friendship and I feel like the other party doesn’t feel the same, I would assume that I have already done my part.

So I just become lazy, sit there and not do anything.

Status quo.

Until I begin to feel all soppy again.

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On a lighter note, this was what I missed when I was in HK.
Image Hosting by Picoodle.com

Image Hosting by Picoodle.com

Our annual Pri 5B-6B class gathering! If I’m not wrong, this year was the first year I had missed it!

Looks fun! =)

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Bloggerbot Hello is dead! Can anyone recommend a good website to host photos for blogs?

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12 comments:

  1. u can try photobucket.com for the pics hosting.

    as for the missing or lost friends...im sure ur not the only one. recently i also had dreams of my ex-gf...and sometimes i do think of certain friends which had walked certain parts of my life with me, but some things happen or by natural cause...we jus drifted apart...

    and recently got friend wanna invite me to wedding dinner but dint really invite til last min coz too dilemma about it as we hadnt really kept in touch all these while...so its like wanna invite but also duno how to invite...all jumbled up feelings...

    on the other hand, i also try not to look back to lost friends, altho sometimes u wish to hold on to some ple...but some times over is over / past is past...reminisce is good at times but the present is more impt to be cherished...so is the future...at least tts how i look at it at times...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hellooooo...
    I know how you feel. Some friends are just not meant to be friends forever. It's good to just treasure the memories. ^_^

    Just like to let you know that I supported the Amber Road house by sending an email to Mr President too. There is actually somebody who reply.

    And can I just say that I enjoyed scrolling thru your hongkong photos. You look so blissful my dear. Very cute photos you have there. I have not the time to really read every single word but I will be doing so now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. you can try
    flickr at http://www.flickr.com/
    photobucket at http://photobucket.com/
    i feel that these 2 are the best.

    some friends are not meant to be. cherish those who have been around you in gd times and bad..
    let the rest be part of your memory.

    ReplyDelete
  4. justin,
    Heya! You using photobucket? Is there like limited storage and can the photos be auto resized to post on blog?

    I can understand how your friend who was in a dilemma whether to invite you to his/her wedding dinner feels. Something like it’s not clearly delineated where the friendship lies and how the other party feels too.

    Sometimes it's inevitable to think back and wish to continue the friendship where it was left off but yah, most of the times, it’s quite hard to do so. I have already let many friendships sail their natural course and not held on to so many other friends so I hope to at least hold on to some.

    And to answer your tag, yeah.. I’m seldom online as I do not have free access to the computer. Sobz sobz…

    shakara,
    Thanx for helping! Oh in the end I didn’t send to Mr President. I sent to Mr Mah Bow Tan instead. I got a reply too. =)

    anonymous,
    Thanx for the suggestion. Which 1 is better of the 2?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Who says I stopped reading your blog? I am a faithful reader of my friends' blog ok! And by the way...................you really miss me??? Haha!

    ReplyDelete
  6. i came to another thot recently, coz i went to another wedding...n realised coz it will dawn on u also one day if u are throwing a wedding...who wld u want to invite...u would want to invite those who are close of coz, and those who have made an impact or difference in ur life b4...and also u would hope certain frens will rem to invite u for their weddings...i think going along these thots...we shld be able to know who we want to keep and who we want to be kept...

    ReplyDelete
  7. lavinia!!!
    Ooi! Since when do you have a blogger a/c? Oh I so long no hear nothing from you so thought you've stopped reading liao.

    Anyway, I wanted to leave comments on your xanga the other time but can't coz I'm not a member. Change setting leh!

    And you are damn zek arp leh. Must question until lidat meh? ABCXYZ@#$* Ya la ya la... miss you la.. in my dreams.. Wahaha!

    justin
    That thought did come across my mind. I've got sooooo many different groups of friends that I dunno who to invite and who to leave out. It's tough... really!

    ReplyDelete
  8. you can sign for both. im using both to altenate and i find it good.

    ReplyDelete
  9. hey gal,doubt you think about and miss me. But yes, even though i am far away, i am alway reading ...:)
    Take care
    Raine

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anon,
    Will check out both soon.

    Raine,
    Hey!!! Of course I miss you too. I miss all the ex colleagues! You take care too!

    ReplyDelete
  11. hi jo,

    Pai sei, din drop in as much, veri busy these days esp with CNY coming..
    Sometime back I dreamt abt my gan mei, sort of miss her, but recently I dream abt my army buddy. keke.. I told him abt it the other day. Am I gay now?

    As for frenship, things change, nothing stay constant, change of environment, esp work. Close colleagues now become ex-colleague, they do not seem to value the old ties as much. Outing you organise get lesser response..

    Sometimes that's life.. hopefully one can realise, the importance of your standing in the other, move on or value this frenship more.

    ReplyDelete
  12. bwilly,
    Oops... just saw this. Dreams are just so weird eh? And I really agree with you that 'for frenship, things change, nothing stay constant, change of environment'. It's really true!

    ReplyDelete

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