An Exceptionally Emo Halloween

Hi boils and ghouls,


As seen from my previous post, I'm still in an emo rut though I'm trying my very best to normalize myself and not dwell in more negativism.


Some of you might know that it is a tradition for my bimbo sisters and me to celebrate Halloween together annually, opening the invitation to our own groups of friends to join us as well.


I enjoy myself every single Halloween and I dare say that my bimbo sisters and I enjoy the whole make up process a lot more than the partying itself.


This year, our theme was The Girls with the Dragon Tattoo. I was an emo kia aka emo kid involved in some slashing and slitting.


Here is my before photo just as I left my house on halloween Saturday to prepare for the next round of make up at Bimbo Xtina's house and my after photo at the club. It was the first time I wore a wig for halloween all thanx to my ex colleague for lending me her fabulous short hair wig.





Bimbo Jo was so emo that day that she contemplated telling the rest of her bimbo sisters that she would very much like to stay at home and slit her wrist. Alas, she knew that since Bimbo Tiff had pulled out due to last minute work commitment, she could not afford to abandon her beloved bimbos at the eleventh hour. Besides, Bimbo Jo was the make up artist aka the wound specialist.





Xtina's hubby, Lester had been such a great help to us. Before we trooped over to her place, he prepared the dough for our wounds beforehand. He also helped us to do various tasks while our hands were dirty. Such a sweet hubby.


Here is Xtina's beloved hubby taking a break on his cocoon swing and watching Supernatural on TV.





The home-made blood I made beforehand looked just like blood but when painted over the dough, the red became bubble-gum red. Bimbo Zanne said it looked like she had long lips on her forearm.





Bimbo Xtina used the hair dryer to blow the wetness away for my next step of creating depth to the wound. She looked sooooo sweet here and not at all like how garang she should be in her jumpsuit attire.





My tummy problem was acting up and I was in quite intense pain so I asked for a mug of cereal. Thanx to Lester again for "being so useful" around the house. In the meantime, Xtina helped me with my wound.




Our scars! You could see the difference between mine and theirs. Mine was just with the fake blood painted on while Zanne and Xtina's wounds had undergone my depth creation process with old eye shadows.





Funny moment:
When I was done with the cereal drink and partial drying of my wound, I asked if Zanne or Xtina could help me with the depth creation of my wound. (Our make-up artist Bimbo Gera had not arrived at that time.)
Zanne had no confidence and muttered, "I failed art in school.
Xtina claimed she was not confident to help me paint as her work might not be up to my standards. In the end, I prepared all the eye shadows and tissue paper in front of me as I lifted my left forearm and shaded my wound with a cotton bud using my right hand.
Please tell me it wasn't too bad after all.




Soon, Bimbo Gera arrived with her boyfriend and another friend whom we were also acquainted with.

Gera's bf, Clement had a creepy alien bursting out from his abdomen.





Look at the sweet couples helping their other halves with the make up process.





No, this was not part of the sweet couple. We told Zep that he had to be made up in order to join us for halloween so I helped him with his "bubble gum" creation. He did not want to undergo the depth creation process and hence his wound looked just like a huge piece of bubble gum.





I had been waiting for Gera to help me put on my wig as I was totally clueless. Everyone said I looked very cute with my hair tied like that and requested for me to do a cutesy pose. After that, the hair was pinned down and covered with a hair net.




The birth of Emo Kia!




I liked that my hair was all over my face. However, I had to paint blood onto my face and so had to sweep the fringe aside.




Gera decided to uglify herself by drawing on devil's eyebrows.





Don't mess with me!





A super random photo with no focal point.





We did some finishing touches before we readied ourselves to head out.





Presenting the girls with the dragon tattoo! Bei was unable to join us for partying but she had so much fun watching the make up process and snapping photos.





The witching hour... we were all ready to head out! We wonder if anybody else heads out so late for halloween.







There was a long queue but fortunately, we were able to get into Zouk as Clement was able to bring us in separately.




The theme was doll house. I hate scary dolls and I hate that my camera died on me after this shot! All shots after this was taken with my iPhone. Actually some shots of the make up process were taken by Bei and Xtina's mobile phones. The photo quality looked quite good but I do not know what phones they use.





The bimbos minus Tiff. Sorry, I meant the girls with dragon tattoos. Hey, where were our dragons?





Gera looked every bit the fierce dragon girl.
Zanne looked like a vampire with her red eyes.
Xtina had maggots on the wound (courtesy of her lovely hubby's work).
Jo was just plain emo kia.




We helped Clement yank the alien out from his body and he died an unfortunate death.





There were creepy broken dolls in those compartments.






Gera was heartbroken that Clement died and decided to follow his soul out of Zouk. The music was really bad at Zouk that night; we could barely groove to the beat. We bade the lost souls goodbye and continued our party at Wine Bar. Zep a freelance photographer was our unofficial photographer that night and he "scoffed" at my iPhone but I must say that for iPhone, the photos turned out not too badly. Could it be Zep's skills as well?

Garang Xtina and Emojo... Emo Jo.





"Please smile for the camera."





Emo Kia and Zanne the Vamp... actually I do not know what her fake id was that day but she looked just like a vampire. Gotta love her red contacts!





Don't forget our dragon tattoos!





While Emojo was outside of the club emo-ing alone, a mother and daughter pair kept eyeing me. The area outside Zouk was an inappropriate area to have a decent mother and daughter pair milling around. I thought I was in their way so I often moved aside but they were always a few steps away. Finally, the mother took out her iPad and asked if her daughter could have a picture taken with me. There were so many people in costume outside so I did not quite understand why the little girl wanted a picture with me. She probably liked my wounds. After snapping on her iPad, I passed my phone to the lady to snap a picture for my own collection as well.





I guess my condition and mood was so affected that I did not quite enjoy this year's halloween. The rest of them also decided to call it a day as the music really sucked. There we were outside Zouk before we headed back.




Away from the Zouk crowd and outside Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel.




How could we forget our lovely Zep photographer for the night? I was just wondering, do photographers usually dread being in front of the camera?

Joke for the night on repeat just to annoy Zep:
Zep, did you like put on 10kg since we last saw you?





Full length shot of Zanne and her eyeballing-on-the-bus stockings.




Xtina and her very garang contractor jumpsuit tied at the waist.





I could do an outfit shot with this photo:
♥ Max Mara black fringed dress
♥ Black boots from Bangkok





We had to go back to Xtina's house to get my stuff and at her void deck, we came across a sweet and gentle little kitty. The flashed version of the kitty's eyes reminded me of the eyes of the people in Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart MV.




Cam-whoring shots before I removed my wig... Hey it is not every day that I have short hair so just lemme cam whore.





The emojo phase reigns on... way after Halloween.

11:11 Make a Wish

At 11:11 pm last night, I wished for good health. Not only physical, but emotional, mental and spiritual.






I'm a little too greedy but I can't help it when I've been feeling down recently. I have not been feeling this down for as long as I could remember.


I'm sick.

I'm sick physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am able to elaborate more on my physical sickness but I do not really know why I'm emotionally, mentally and spiritually sick. I just know myself that I am.


Physically, I'm in pain.

I would always suffer from tummy pain after dinner or supper for almost 80% of the time. I would just sit down and hunch the pain away or lie curled up hugging my bolster if I'm at home. The pain is akin to having a very taut string in my body which feels as if it would snap if I stand or sit up straight.


It's not the stomach but the small intestine area (around the belly button) and it is always after dinner or supper but not for meals taken in the day. Hence, I've gotten quite used to the pain over time. In my previous company, I do not eat at regular hours and hence often suffer from gastric pains which would get even more intense after eating. I do not even classify this as an illness. I thought it was too regular to be a sickness. Hence, I just do not bother as the pain would slowly dissipate after an hour or more.


My 2nd sister told me to go for a check up since she knew of somebody who often complained of tummy pain after eating, only to find a tumour upon having it checked. It turned out that whenever after meals, the stomach expanded and pressed onto the tumour, causing the pain. I brushed it aside saying that if there really were a tumour in me, I would be feeling the pain after every meal.


Recently, the pain got more frequent and intense. I feel pain whether I am hungry or not, whether I eat a lot or too little, whether I eat at proper timing or not and regardless of any kind of food (healthy, junk whatever).


Then 2 weeks ago, I suffered from the most intense post-dinner/supper tummy ache and heart burn for 4 hours. The heartburn was so bad that I just sat on the edge of my bed without daring to breathe hard for what seemed like an eternity. I could not lie down; I could not sleep.


From then till now, it is a daily pain (both intense and bearable). I was referred by my favourite doctor to a specialist at the hospital who before checking my tummy, asked me lots and lots of questions while ruling out various prognosis. The mildest prognosis would be inflammation or constricting of the intestines.

The area of pain around the belly button is a tricky issue. Neither could a scope from the top nor from the bottom reach that part of the intestines. Also, the doctor preempted me that there are instances of patients undergoing one tests after another but having nothing found with the pain still persisting. I do hope something could be found whether bad or not so that I don't keep wondering what is wrong with me.





There were a few tests suggested: colonoscopy, barium enema and CT colonography. All of them have their pros and cons. I opted for the CT colonography. The appointment is somewhere in end November. Hopefully from then till now, I would be able to bear with the daily pain. No painkiller was given as I did not want them. I'm currently on probiotics capsules and there would be a symphony playing in my tummy followed by a cacophony of noises every now and then.


I would appreciate if any of you could share with me more about tummy related pains and resulting diagnosis.


~~~


In my opinion, being sick in a non-physical way is a lot worse than being sick physically. Yes, it is true that you can't do lots being bound by physical illness. However besides my physical illness, the non physical illnesses are plaguing me right now.


I'm very affected by other issues besides my illness. I'm just in a very depressing rut now but I will slowly heal on my own.


It is really ironic for someone so positive and upbeat to feel so depressed.


I'm touched by the care and concern shown by my colleagues when I left work halfway on Monday to see a doctor due to the pain. I'm touched by the care and concern they showed me even when I'm not at work. I'm touched by all who asked after me too. I really do not know how to answer people whenever they asked if I'm ok coz all I could think of is that I'm still in pain. But there is also a lot more to the physical pain which I can't explain.





Then my mum texted me asking me how I was feeling and that she would accompany me to the hospital. I hadn't intended to tell them about the specialist visit but I had no choice as my dad was making some arrangement with me and I had to tell him. Her message touched me to tears but I was in public and could not cry openly.


Throughout my years, I've been shuttling to hospitals not for myself but for others. For a period of time, I was also shuttling to hospital for my god daughter too. I've always accompanied my mum for her check ups and follow ups and now that she offered to go with me, it truly touched me to tears. When she called me, I had to decline. I told her not to worry and tried to put down the phone as soon as possible coz my voice was breaking from choked tears.

I had to be alone. I knew that my crying phase was coming back with a vengeance during this period of time and I can't be around people I know. It doesn't really help when the hubby is not around. I suspect I'm fast falling into depression but I know I would feel a lot better after shutting myself off for a while from physical interaction with people.

I'm very good at masking my true emotions at times. Pretending that I'm alright is what I do best once I get past the tearing/ crying stage. However, when I'm still in this super emo crying rut, I just want to shut myself up and avoid physical interaction with people as I do not want people to see the state that I am in.

Don't... Don't ask me if I'm ok. Don't ask me how I am feeling face to face coz my floodgates might just open. Besides, I don't even know myself why I'm feeling so depressed.





I do not really like writing emo stuff on my blog or Facebook. As far I always maintain that there is beauty in melancholy, I do not believe in affecting other people with my emosity and creating negative energy through my writing whenever I'm upset. Besides, I'm always known by others as being very cheerful and influencing people with my positivism.


Due to the fact that I'm typing this on draft and trying to get all my emotions out one last time before I could finally attempt to empty the tears reservoir, I may or may not opt to publish this.


A few friends and readers had along the way told me that my sad posts made them cry buckets. I even recall a reader telling me that she had spent the whole day reading my sad posts and crying in front of her computer. I would not want to do that now.


I'm really identifying with these quotes right now:

"Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad. It simply means they are human and make mistakes."

"There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad." -- Kurt Cobain

FYI, I used the F-word in a section of my entry essay for my current job. And that's coz I used Kurt Cobain's quote above to describe both my strength and weakness.


While it is good to love people and care for them, caring too much for others would get yourself into deep trouble too.


If you feel that I'm talking incoherently up to this point, it is simply because I am. If I were a product, my tagline would be "I am an antithesis of myself". I encompass many opposing traits and I do not often know myself.


I will cry and cry and cry myself silly till I feel better but I do not know when the tears would stop flowing. In the meantime, I distract myself by being as normal as possible, doing normal things like watching lots of TV, playing word games and editing halloween photos for my blog... while tearing every now and then.


I will bounce back in no time... pain-free hopefully.





Sakamoto's Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence is a piece I love to listen to on repeat no matter what my mood is but the music touches deep into my heart especially in times of sadness.