Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween is when the darkness in me arises




I've been neglecting my blog because I simply had no energy to craft a proper post.

I've not been very active on social media due to all the busyness at work.

For weeks, I lack exercise, I eat unhealthily, my body is obviously not happy.

Then when all the hecticness simmered down, I got really tired of certain things in life and went on a social media hiatus for a week.

Other than all the little negativity in life adding up, I've been feeling down to the state of being depressed more recently. I felt as if I had hope and then it was robbed from me, leaving me with a scarred heart. I literally felt so much pain in my heart that I thought I could die from it. It was so much more intense and painful than all the gastrointestinal pain that I get almost every day.



I'm very good at masking my true emotions at times. Facing the world and pretending that I'm okay is what I do best once I get past the crying stage till there is no more tears left for that moment.

However, it really is difficult to pretend at times. I had to share my feelings with some friends.

Other than that and acting perfectly normal to the people I see every day, I felt the dire need to simply shut myself up from everyone else for a while. I didn't respond much when these friends checked on me every now and then and said that I'm not my usual self on message medium.



I mentioned this before. I do not really like writing emo stuff on my blog, Facebook or Instagram. As far as I always assert that there is beauty in melancholy, I do not believe in affecting other people with my emosity and creating negative energy through my writing whenever I'm upset. Besides, I'm always known by others as a happy and positive person.

I asked my hub recently, "Why do people always say I'm so happy and positive?"

He replied, "That's because you always hide your sadness from people."

I realised that I need to acknowledge sadness, deal with it accordingly and then heal. As I have learnt from the movie Inside Out, it is through sadness that people could seek for and experience joy.

So I'm not going to care who is reading this. I'm going to be upfront and acknowledge that I've been sad. If I don't be open about it, I won't be able to heal well.

It's been a week of trying to deal with sadness and I'm making good progress. I need to overcome more hurdles as I slowly rebuild myself. Hopefully, I would be back to normal soon.

14 comments:

  1. Jo... I wrote something similar to this last week... I too have been struggling, it is so hard to be up all the time, it's not natural. We all have highs and lows we need to acknowledge them. I don't like to put negativity out there either but I get sad too and pretending ALL the time doesn't help ourselves or anyone else for that matter. I say be authentic and work through it... I have sincerely missed you, message me anytime you'd like ♡ xox

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  2. I became very depressed sometime in the summer, Jo. I hope it is true that I am healing, or slowly "building myself up". (Someone told me that she never says she is depressed, instead she says she is in the process of building herself up or similar.) anyway, I have felt very anxious and judgmental about myself.--"why am I depressed now? This is the beautiful summer. I'm wasting it." I hope you can enjoy happiness again soon, and I don't like to hear about you suffering, but I feel encouraged reading this post from you. Sending Love, Berit.

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  3. Very powerful writing and I was so glad to hear you were helped by Inside Out. So much of what I have been learning in therapy that was sort of fuzzy to me became clearer after seeing it. Having the character of Sadness be a heroine was genius. Sadness is not our enemy, not a buring house we must escape from, its a feeling. And all feelings must be felt. You know very well that I am a big fan of embracing my feelings, letting them take me places I am scared to go. But sadness and especially anger are ones that still give me pause sometimes. Perhaps in Inside Out 2 they can make the anger charcter more important because when I look at my anger too closely it is frightening. All my life I have had to hide my emotions, not a choice, a must. And now that I am finally learning its Ok to let them out it is so freeing. Very proud of you for this post. Do your thing.

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  4. Hi Jo, we feel the same. I just hide my true feelings to people, like no one really knows how i feel regarding this and that because I don't want to affect them. So I try to hide everything behind my smiles and laughter. I think that's fine because we're not hurting anyone. But once we can't take it anymore, it's okay to tell someone whom you're very close with whatever you feel. I wish you find yourself Jo, and you find your old self again. Go find yourself dear. :)))

    xoxo, rae
    http://www.raellarina.net/


    P.S. Happy Halloween :)

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  5. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through Jo. It's very brave of you to be able to admit and acknowledge your sadness. That is usually the hardest step and I hope you will find yourself move onto a good healing process and feelin mor elike your usual self again. Take care of yourself *hugs*

    Rowena @ rolala loves

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  6. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Lots of people love you and appreciate you. Never doubt that.
    Sometimes we typecast ourselves to be the strong one and sometimes our friends do it, unknowingly. They get used to us always being there for them and forget it's possible for us to be down and need support. I'd be happy to correspond if you need to vent.

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  7. Aww Jo, thank you for your honesty. I loved reading this. In this day and age of social media perfection it seems like everywhere you turn perfection is everywhere, except in your own backyard. I know I constantly feel this and struggle with it myself. I was just reminiscing earlier today how hard the last 6 years have been. They've been the years of most growth and realisation but its all come at a cost. The last two years in particular have been brutal. I know all about needing to withdraw from everyone and not wanting to write those emotions out fearing negative repercussions. Things had gotten so bad for me that I started a new, anonymous blog just so I could write the pain away. But I stopped a few months back because I felt like all that negativity I was letting out was only come back to me. It's hard to find balance and to pick yourself up in times like these. I wish I had the answer but I don't. Feelings are valid and it does us no good to ignore them. You seem like you have an enormous support group of family and friends, I know you'll be ok and for what it's worth Jo, I'm always here if you need.

    Sxx
    www.daringcoco.com

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  8. Thanks for sharing with us this part about how you've been feeling Jo. You totally aren't obligated to share online about your life and feelings but I'm sure your readers appreciate it. I personally never write about times I'm not doing well on my blog, I just leave it for my regular posts or for special occasions. For me I deal with my issues best offline. Recently somethings had upset me and I went on a big nasty binge of negative posts on my fb page but that didn't do much and the issue was only resolved in person. I hope you start to feel better and get back on your regular routine soon. I've been struggling with my weight the last few weeks as I've not been as active and it really gets me because I can't stand the thought of gaining anything back after having lost so much weight the last few years. Anyway, we all wear masks and all have different ways of dealing with our true emotions. It's great that your hubby knows you best and was able to give you that answer. My boyfriend also can tell straight away how I'm really feeling just from looking at my face. It's so important to me to have some one else whether it be a friend or loved one who you can talk about about your most deeply troublesome issues. Anyway, do feel better soon Jo!

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  9. I think we all go through that stage so don't worry too much about it. Glad to see you back and active and those photos are really great for the Halloween.

    You are one strong person I know. You deserve to have a break, you are entitled to your emotions, you deserve to rest. Maybe you need to go on vacation to think things through. No matter, your followers will be here waiting for your return. :)

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  10. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing what is going on with you recently. I am sorry to hear that you have been hiding your sadness, but it is good that you are releasing those emotions. I have found that eventually the emotions come out. I hope your healing process is going well. Sending you a hug.
    ~Jess

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  11. Thank you all for taking the time to pen your heartfelt comments. I really appreciate it and would get back to all of you soon either here or on your blogs. xoxo

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  12. People say the same about me, I think I need to learn to express the sadness I feel sometimes, so people understand that it's not always happiness and cotton candy with me. It can be tough really, I hide the sadness so \I don't bring others down or be burden, but sometimes you have to let it out, I usually do through music and stuff like that. xx

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  13. Hi Jo, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel depressed. It's one of the worst feeling and I know exactly how you feel. I suffer from it from time to time. Sometimes more and sometimes less. I hope you get well soon and I think it's great that you share your feeling with people. It makes me always feel a bit better when I can talk to someone. Sending you love and lots of positive energy.
    I'm not sure what is the cause of your depression but it's another sympton that you might suffer from celiac disease. I wish you would get tested to it but if don't have these tests in Singapore just stop eating gluten for awhile and see if it gets better. I know it's no fun to not eat gluten (yeah it sucks). Please just try it for two weeks!

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  14. I'm exactly the same way, I don't like to weight my own problems on others, but I do feel very sad at times. I think that for all of us life gets too hard at times and we need some time to get better and be our oldselves. No matter how positive or energetic or whatever we usually are, we all feel sadness and most people struggle with depression at times. For me it helps just to acknowledge it and say...I'm sad because I simly am or because this and this happened, I won't even try to be all merry and stuff.

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