I’ve been feeling a tinge of guilt towards different individuals and groups of people for different reasons.
I’ve been told so often to love myself more. Yet by loving myself more, I’ve to love others less. Some of these “others” are the very same who advised me to love myself more.
The guilt is killing me.
I hope that the people affected would be able to understand my situation, my feelings and my concerns. I’m not very sure they would be able to, yet there isn’t a need for me to over explain. I’m only comforted to know that most of the people dear to me understand and support me.
It’s been a 50+ hour work week for quite a while now. By the time I leave my office, I do not have time for anyone else. I feel the guilt but I’m glad the people involved understand. Still, it doesn’t clear the deep seated guilt in my heart.
I’m so busy with work that I don’t even think of my hubby at all. The work distraction is good in a way to prevent myself from missing him but I think it’s not very healthy for the relationship. We are going to put things right and so here I am trying to complete all the necessary things so that I could fly over and join him for a week. He asked for two, I said no. I hope he understands, I think he does. It only makes me feel more guilty.
In order to go for this break, I’ve also affected some people at work and out. Many people think I’m going for a holiday but I’m not. I only wished they knew.
Sacrifices have to be made. For a long time, it has been me. I believe I have the ability to change that but the price to pay is long working hours and not to forget, guilt.
I'm exhausted but I've to make sure I'm sleepy enough to turn in such that I would KO immediately once my head hits the pillow.
My subconscious mind takes precedence over my positive mindset as the latter grows weaker. I thought I could sleep and toss my guilt aside but nightmare tend to wrap its straggley fingers around it and toss it back into my dreamscape. I can't sleep well and I sometimes wake up in tears, often wondering what I dreamt of.
I wish to be somebody else for a day. Or maybe I just have to find that me that has left me a long time ago.