Monday, May 23, 2011

Guilt

I’ve been feeling a tinge of guilt towards different individuals and groups of people for different reasons.

I’ve been told so often to love myself more. Yet by loving myself more, I’ve to love others less. Some of these “others” are the very same who advised me to love myself more.

The guilt is killing me.

I hope that the people affected would be able to understand my situation, my feelings and my concerns. I’m not very sure they would be able to, yet there isn’t a need for me to over explain. I’m only comforted to know that most of the people dear to me understand and support me.

It’s been a 50+ hour work week for quite a while now. By the time I leave my office, I do not have time for anyone else. I feel the guilt but I’m glad the people involved understand. Still, it doesn’t clear the deep seated guilt in my heart.

I’m so busy with work that I don’t even think of my hubby at all. The work distraction is good in a way to prevent myself from missing him but I think it’s not very healthy for the relationship. We are going to put things right and so here I am trying to complete all the necessary things so that I could fly over and join him for a week. He asked for two, I said no. I hope he understands, I think he does. It only makes me feel more guilty.

In order to go for this break, I’ve also affected some people at work and out. Many people think I’m going for a holiday but I’m not. I only wished they knew.

Sacrifices have to be made. For a long time, it has been me. I believe I have the ability to change that but the price to pay is long working hours and not to forget, guilt.

I'm exhausted but I've to make sure I'm sleepy enough to turn in such that I would KO immediately once my head hits the pillow.

My subconscious mind takes precedence over my positive mindset as the latter grows weaker. I thought I could sleep and toss my guilt aside but nightmare tend to wrap its straggley fingers around it and toss it back into my dreamscape. I can't sleep well and I sometimes wake up in tears, often wondering what I dreamt of.

I wish to be somebody else for a day. Or maybe I just have to find that me that has left me a long time ago.

9 comments:

  1. ((Hugs)) Sounds like a very stressful and hectic working life for you.

    Don't forget to take a break and pamper yourself once in a while.

    休息是为了走更长远的路.

    Jiayou babe.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My friend, you are the one stuck working the long hours. You are the one missing out. The only reason you should feel guilt is if you didn't need to work the hours and you were using work as an excuse to avoid others. But you're not doing that and people (real friends) do understand. Don't be so hard on yourself!!!

    There's a lot I don't know about the situation (like why the trip isn't a holiday), but you have my support...for whatever that is worth. =)

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  3. Hmm... I can see why you would feel guilty of "loving" yourself more. Time spent working so much you don't see people as much as you did before. I wouldn't exactly put it that way (loving yourself) though. I think what your friends are trying to say is to take care of yourself, esp since you are working 50+ hours. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself! Take it easy for once and spend some time relaxing. I'm you need it physically/mentally.

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  4. Hey Jo, it seems like a break (from work or from whoever) is much needed for you. I know what your saying by working for long hours you barely have time for yourself, and definitely not enough for anyone else. I used to feel like that when I had my full time, and, seemed like I was giving up, I quit. I couldnt do it. And for all I know, I wasn't passionate enough for my job to give up my life to. I am not sure about your job situation. It seems like you really enjoy it. And if a break is what its needed, then take it. Take a step backward to walk forward. Life is too short to be miserable, you know ^^? Please take great care for yourself and I am sure your husband should understand!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rachel, Rick, Maggie & Winnie,

    Thanx all for your sincere encouragement and heartfelt advice. It means lot. I will be doing something to change my lifestyle definitely but the process of it all is also quite complicated to explain. From the way all of you commented, I could see that my post is still a little cryptic. =) We’ll leave it as that way for now. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I believe in AND, not OR.

    It is possible to love yourself AND someone else, you just have to find creative ways of doing it.

    I always find it easier to love someone else after loving myself, it doesn't have to be at a huge compromise.

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I’ve tried many kinds of “and” and have been doing “and” for far too long and it’s not doing myself good. Hence, the “or”.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Goodness gracious. You clearly need a break....from everything. including a break from thinking. PERIOD

    p/s: please dont reply to this. It will involve too much brain wrecking.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Squeeze the Pug,

    Yes! A break!

    Ah, I replied.

    ReplyDelete

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