Let the breeze carry me away

[pic credit: beth retro on flickr]

Scribbled this a while back…

I have no idea what to write about yet I have a lot on my mind.

Recently, I’ve been feeling a lot… a mixture of feelings which I can’t quite understand.

I have bad dreams… tho not nightmares, but not pleasant at all.

Outside of dreams, I do wish that I’m invisible at times… quietly doing my own stuff, no contact with anyone… just me, myself and I.


[pic credit: fountaincoke on flickr]

I’m talking a lot less now coz I’m feeling a lot more. I dunno why I’m feeling this way but it has gotten to the point when I wish I can just hide in an inconspicuous corner or fly away to somewhere where nobody can find me.


[pic credit: LUCIA on flickr]

All the things which I think I am doesn’t hold true anymore.

It’s like how people conceal certain characteristics they have or change themselves to fit in.


[pic credit: Chrissie White on flickr]

I love to write. I love to talk. I love to express. I love to have exchanges and witty banter with people in the past so much so that people love to be around me. Of coz some people may deem me crazy and bimbotic but that’s who I am.

I don't seem to love writing, talking and expressing that much anymore. I often trip over my tongue and am unable to express myself adequately. I can't even write a decent sentence.

It’s like how some people have always been like this but somehow they slowly lose their capabilities and talents as time goes by.

I used to be a natural leader. It started since I started going to school. Teachers naturally chose me to be leaders even though I don't exactly possessed those autocratic leadership qualities in me. Group leader, project leader, monitress, prefect etc. I led coz people liked me and listened to me. I led coz my peers felt comfortable with me leading them. I led with no trouble at all coz I listened to everyone's views and didn't impose mine on them. I was like a leader-friend kind with just a dash of autocracy.

Now? I'm more of being led. I'm more like the member. I'm unable to rise to just that dash of autocracy like how I used to be. I can't make firm decisions. Always wavering. Sitting up there can be lonely at times.

I am no longer who I am. I lost all the positive aspects of myself and gained all the negative ones.

I don't even know myself now.


[pic credit: Chrissie White on flickr]

I’ve grown stale. I need a new environment. I need a change. I need to find myself.

Coz I’m not myself here anymore.

I think I need a break...


[pic credit: ~aspidistra~'s on flickr]

A break together with my deardear coz I can't just fly away alone.

~~~~~

Some time has passed and I'm trying to see everything in a positive light. The hod meeting on Tuesday helped a great deal.

"It's not what you are that holds you back. It's what you think you're not."
-- Denis Waitley

Trying to surround myself with beautiful things. Trying to fill myself with happy thoughts.


[pic credit: hello naomi on flickr]


But just when I'm trying to fill myself with happy thoughts, something inside filled myself with pain.

Been plagued by crunching abdominal pain. Those kind which the lower part of the abdomen would start to pull and contract suddenly.

They come in waves. I can be normal one minute and clutching in pain the next. It kinda feels like my intestines are being squashed and relaxed. It got pretty bad last night and today that I’ve to stay at home to rest.

It’s good coz it's heavenly to sleep for 12 hours.

It's no good coz I only ate a packet of biscuits the whole day. The thing is... I don't feel that hungry at all with the battle going on in the intestines. I can hear rumbling and liquid sounds every now and then. Quite funny to hear them.

And no... I'm not pregnant.

We've still got our honeymoon to go.