Wednesday, March 05, 2008

On a roller coaster ride of emotions

Of late, I’ve been hurt… dejected… loved… troubled… unappreciated… cheerful… stressed… heartbroken… jovial… wistful… depressed… chirpy… moody… wronged…

I’m trying very hard to be nonchalant now, taking everything in stride and not to open my mouth so much for fear of saying the wrong things.

I hate to be on an emotional roller coaster.

Either let me be happy all the way or sad all the way. It’s very tiring to have to keep switching mode.

I always try to mask all sadness by pretending to be indifferent, switching topics or walking away.

I really tried to control my tears for so long.

Sometimes, having a good cry and washing my heart is more sound than keeping it inside and tearing me apart.

However, I continue to feel so wronged and misunderstood.

Whichever side I take, I know that I will be blamed.

Why do you always vent you anger on me when all I wanted was for all to be well?

Why is it that every word I say would be misinterpreted and turned against me?

Why is it that whatever I try to do is never enough?

Every word you say feels like nails driving into my heart.

Why do you always tear the wounds of my heart just when it is beginning to heal?

How can you pretend that nothing has happened after that?

I’m sick of being a punching bag.

I’m sick of being misunderstood.

I’m sick of it all.

I wish that I could just lock myself up in my room and be immersed in my own little bubble, away from all physical communication, just me in my own little world.

*~*~*~*


When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a loop and hang yourself.
-- J. Loh

*~*~*~*


I’m a high ‘S’ person and a true blue Gemini when it comes to split personality. I will cry one minute and crack jokes the next so don’t have to worry so much for me. In the past whenever I feel certain emotions stirring, I would just take out a pen and notebook and start pouring my thoughts out. After that I would feel better. Similarly for now, I would still open my notebook (only that it is a laptop) and start typing all my thoughts out.

*~*~*~*


I’ve been playing this song over and over again these two nights.

It’s a very beautiful piece. It gives me a hauntingly romantic sentiment. It leaves me melancholic yet delighted. An enchanting piece which matched my moods perfectly these nights.

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence by Sakamoto Ryuichi on the piano, Everton Nelson on the violin and Jaques Morelenbaum on the cello.


I really love this version. One of the most beautiful piece of music I’ve ever heard. The trio pairing is brilliant.

If you listen carefully, it is the tune from The Leap Years trailer. I was captivated by the tune and went searching for the title.

From there, I found the acoustic guitar version which is worth a look too.

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence by Kotaro Osio on acoustic guitar


Amazing skills! One of the youtube users likened his way of playing the guitar to a gu zheng and I can’t agree more.

After reading the comments and clicking around, I found out that the music is composed for the movie of the same title. The movie is set during the World War II period and I think there are themes of homosexuality, clash of cultures, honour, forbidden love and hara-kiri involved. I would bawl my eyes out in this one.

Scenes from the movie accompanied by touching vocals


From what I gathered, the music itself without the vocals is titled “Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence”. With vocals by David Sylvian, it is known as “Forbidden Colours”.

I wonder if the tape, vcd or dvd is available in Singapore. It is after all a 1982 production.

*~*~*~*


Experiences during work thus far…

excessive heart palpitation

pressure cooker

wish for more hours in a day

cumulative frustrations

waning love for kids

diminishing interest

in a dilemma

Stay on? Move on?

Dilemma

I’ve got a 2nd interview for another job. I was more drawn to the change in field (I’m sick of the edu line) and the attractive salary. I won’t say much about it coz I’m not really sure what I want now. (I hadn’t wanted to say this. Only 3 colleagues have my blog link—one had left, one is leaving and I don’t want the one staying to feel sad.)

I’ve made my intentions (that I won’t be staying here for long) known to big boss last year. Just to get them prepared and also outrightly told them that I was doing too much work. They had a short meeting with me just this week to discuss about my intention (whether it still holds), my prospects and salary adjustment for the coming appraisal if I should stay.

Over time, this job has made me sick of being in the education line. It has made me sick of doing research and writing. It has made me a much quieter person for all I want is a good quiet night’s rest after all the prolonged strain on my vocal chords.

It has made me feel inadequate at times as I have always known myself to be able to handle all kinds of kids. I realised that I cannot give too much of myself as no matter what I did, I cannot always be helping all the naughty or weak students.

Worse of all, it has made me lose my love for children. I’ve become a very bitchy teacher who keeps scolding my students. I tried all kinds of approach and had no choice but to resort to scolding. I’ve thrown whatever I’ve learnt in my ex co outta the window because some kids really need a good trashing at times.

You know how I’ve always loved to be a young mummy? Well, not any longer. I just don’t like kids that much anymore.

Kh felt that I was really too stressed and told me to quit. He suggested just giving tuition for the time being while taking a break. I don’t wanna quit without a job. Then I started harbouring thoughts of all the things I could do if I were to take a break. I could really do a lot and I won’t be staying at home feeling useless. However, it quickly dawned on me that if I quit just like that, I would be very selfish. I won’t be able to provide as much for my family. That would most certainly be frowned upon.

Yesterday was the day when my “lease” was up. I’ve moved down, shifted to the 2nd floor where all the language personnel congregate as planned. My primary English department was due to move down since January but I kept prolonging my time by giving excuse that I’ve got so much work to do and no time to move down.

I’m not really upset that I’ll be moving down coz it didn’t really matter much to me. Since I joined the company in 2006, I did not bother decorating my workstation due to busyness, sheer laziness and the thought that I may leave anytime. Who knows, my moving down would give me the impetus to start my inspirational board.

I will definitely miss the people in my room and all the laughter we shared. I will definitely miss my huge corner table in that conducive space. However, in this case of bo-bian-ity, I really had to move.

The room on the 2nd floor was soooooooooo quiet yesterday that it was stifling. Throughout my few hours of moving and packing, I kept yakking and suaning people and making lotsa noise. It was only after I had settled down did I realise that I’ve been so noisy all along. For the rest of the day, I spoke in whispers and laughed in whispers too.

I felt so missed by my ex room people whenever they pretended to cry at my moving or whenever they exclaimed when they saw me. One even claimed she could smell my presence (my rose oil fragrance la) when we were in ladies. Haha…

Although I feel stressed at work and frustrated at the workload, the naughty kids and other stuff, I still feel happy at times. At least it keeps me away from all the troubles at home.

2 comments:

  1. Dearest Jolene!!! :D

    HiYa! Hope u are feeling better by now~

    Yah, I can always sense and feel tat
    u are very busy and stress up with work~

    Seem like it taking up majority of your time~

    Hmm..In my Opinion~

    Don't care too much about wat your
    family may feel if u quit the job~
    Most importantly, your ownself will be happy
    with your next new job or wat~

    By then, u can provide for your family with all u want!!! :D

    *smile* Okie??? :D

    Hope everything be good for u!!!
    *JIA YOU*!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Vivien,

    Yup better a lot. Taking everything in stride and managed to catch my breath. Well, stress is stress but after the pent up stress then it’s back to normal stress which can tahan yet again. As long as can tahan, it’s fine.

    I’ve just decided to stay on for at least 6 more months. Let’s see if things gets brighter.

    Thanx so much for your concern. I thought you have MIA.

    I will SmileZ. You too!

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete

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